I just want ordinary, corrupt human love.

source: Eloisa Recio

Strip off all the kisses, the hearts and all the romantic relations that come with the word love. And what is left but love in its rawest form. Borrowing Graham Greene’s The End of the Affair, isn’t it just ordinary, corrupt human love?

And that’s what all the fuss is about? Is that all we want and get?

A Relationship Advice You Wouldn't Want to Read

If ever there’s one relationship advice I’ve remembered so well, it’s one my aunt gave my cousin a few years back.

Huwag mong ibigay lahat para sa kanya. (Don’t go all out for him/her.)

How could you be in a relationship and not give everything? If you love someone, then s/he deserves nothing but everything and the best from you, right? Screw that, I’ll always give my all for my *insert term of endearment here*!!!

The Most Potent

Images and words are most powerful and heartfelt in their most original and rawest form.

If you want to convey the image or phrase that captures the essence of what you want to say or how you really feel, tell it in your own words or through your own images. No rehash, reblog or copy-paste would ever encapsulate your present feelings more than your own.

Just say what you want to say without overthinking or using highfaluting words. Some things are best said in the simplest and most spontaneous of manners.

Now, I want you to tell somebody something you’ve always meant to tell but you couldn’t because you didn’t have the courage to say in your own words. It might be frightening and you’ll probably need practice but I assure you that telling him or her would be worth it.

Disclaimer: Do not expect dramatic results. You don’t need them. What you should expect and hope for is a reciprocal of your originality and rawness. Ain’t that something you’d want to receive as well?

Rant of the Anti-Social Bitch (Turnback Tuesdays)

We return to regular Turnback Tuesdays programming and here's a treat of the usual anti-social Tan circa 2005! Don't worry, 2011 Tan has mellowed already :p I actually miss That's So Raven! The episode I share here was probably one of my most favorite of all time. Anyway, have fun as always!

Truth in Pain's Clothing

One of the few reblogs I did with my tumblr account had a picture of a diary with the line, Better a cruel truth than a comfortable delusion.

A Painful Pain Relief

As promised, we end the week with pain. LOL.

source: ralfnavales.multiply.com

Remember the last time you felt pain. Whether it was heartbreak, death, failure, disappointment, anguish, or even just being punched, slapped, kicked, hit or bit by somebody.

Didn’t you want to retaliate against the person/people who caused you pain? Didn’t something in you wish that such event just happened to others instead? Or didn’t you just wish that such even happened to anybody, even to hapless strangers, just to relieve the pain?

A Prelude

Since Saturday is quite busy for me and as a prelude to the next two entries, I’ll be leaving you with three quotes which I’ve found useful whenever I go through a painful experience. I wanted to share these in their purest form with you so that you may be able to reflect on them and have your own insights. And to save you from my own ramblings as well! LOL.

Adversity causes some men to break, others to break records. 

William A. Ward

Any heart which is not broken is not a heart. 

Frederic Beigbeder, 99 Francs

      Man has places in his heart which do not yet exist, and into them enters suffering, in order that they may have existence. 

Leon Bloy

We began the week with love and tomorrow we end it with pain. Oh my!

A Simple Truth We Often Overlook

After the craziness of an entry yesterday, here’s a simple one.

Here I am trying to rack my brains for something worth writing. And a random self-blurb online unravels the simplest and probably most poignant yet most overlooked of truths.

Everything is good and beautiful.

It might be something hard to believe in the gray kind of world we have today. A world where the terrible and the traumatic seem to terrorize us into fear and depression. But that’s the challenge, my dear reader.

Even in the darkest of nights or the evilest of creatures lies something good and beautiful. We just have to look hard enough and appreciate them.

Channel the innocence of a child if you have a difficult time. Didn’t the world seem one big ball of kindness and love when we were young? You might just need to believe and trust a little more in the universe in order that you may see the goodness that eludes you.

Everything is good and beautiful. We just have to go beyond our human minds and hearts to grasp such simple truth and become grateful for the world we live in.

An ANTM Approach

Before I begin, please keep in mind that this entry was born out of the stratplan even though it does not look like it by the end.

Midway through the stratplan, Sir Joseph, our facilitator, asked us to think of ourselves as an individual we look up to and imagine what they would do to solve the organization’s financial challenges. I initially had a difficult time imagining anybody until somebody came to mind. To which I giggled.

Who was it?

None other than the fierce and fabulous smize queen herself, Tyra Banks!

Sidenote: 1) the gaydar just went ding-ding-ding and exploded into a merriment of rainbows and unicorns to Lady Gaga’s Born This Way and 2) ANTM has had way too much fierce and fab influence on my life but the hell do I actually care, matter of fact, see photos below

Don't Forget the Biggie

Last February 4, the office had our long overdue strategic planning. The first thing that struck me was a very simple two words, which have often been said, but I have too often neglected or forgotten.

Think Big.

I’ve often forgotten such mindset because my work often ties me to the daily grind where constraints and consequences reign and cloud the grander vision. And to think that I’m fancy and grandiose when it comes to things that matter to me.

Thus, let today be a reminder of our capacity to dream big. To think big.

Today, let your mind and self free to roam the globe in its entirety. Think of a world of limitless possibilities and harmless consequences. Imagine what the ideal is for you and write it down before it flies away!

Afterwards, imagine the journey, the steps you should take to reach the ideal. And as the ideal becomes closer to reality with the consciousness of insurmountable challenges and release of the pieces of the ideal that you need to let go. Don’t worry about those since it’s normal. As long as a part of the ideal remains and the balance between the ideal and real is maintained, then you’re perfectly fine. Again, write it down. Heck, even put in a tarp so that you’ll always be reminded of your goal.

Now, it’s time to live that shazzam of your ideal out! Yes, it would be difficult and may seem almost impossible at some points. But always keep your eye on the prize by revisiting your ideal and letting yourself think and dream big; just like how you did when you began your journey.

Anything is possible if we dream big.

Through Sun-kissed Hazel Eyes

Turnback Tuesdays will be a little different today since I feel that I may have been shortchanging you my dear reader lately with the lack of decent entries. But we still begin with a short entry I wrote in my tabulas blog back in May 2005 which simply read:

Mahirap maging temporary. (It’s difficult being temporary.)

As far as I could remember, I wrote it upon realization that the relationship I had then was temporary. For Teenage Tan, given his affinity for pain and drama, it was probably something that even made him cry right after he posted it on the internet. Who wants temporary, anyway?

214 Oreos

I’ve never really consciously celebrated Valentine’s save for that one time back in 2005. But this weekend has been all sorts of amazing because I opened myself up to a different kind of Valentine’s. One that celebrates love in all its forms. I started with regaining my love for my work the past Friday and Saturday, continuing it over the weekend with time celebrating it with my friends and family and ending it today with the person I forget the most to love, myself.

I hope everyone will have/had a blast today. I did. And you will if you open yourself up to the true meaning of this special day. 

Happy Valentine’s everyone!

214

At the end of the day…

if you’re in a relationship, after your own date, dinner and/or all the couple-y things you’ve done…

or if you’re single, after your own dinner or gimmick or round of drinks or whatever with other single friends (single awareness as others would call it) to ease the aching and longing of your heart…

And no matter how de/mystified, blissful or miserable, un/bitter you feel about Valentine’s…

Even Brighter than the Moon, Moon, Moon

There are times in life when we hit rock bottom. But there are times when life hits us even harder and vanquishes us into the inescapable darkness.

For me, that occurred around four years ago. I was weathering a tough time in my life. Sometimes, I even found myself on the verge of losing the battle to my then suicidal tendencies. I remember how occasionally the pain inside was so bad I had to constantly hit my thighs to ease it. Yeah, it was that excruciating.

When you’re in such state, you’d feel as if the pain shall last forever and that nothing could ever ease it no matter how hard anyone tries. And so you trap yourself in the inescapable pitch-black room of gloom with only suicide looking like the most viable solution.

But that shouldn’t be the case. Pain is inevitable but suffering is optional. And you won’t need to suffer in the dark if you just ignite the light. (Yes, this entry is inspired by Katy Perry’s Firework)

The only person who could let you out of that room of gloom is you. You’re never going to make it out unless you let happiness from within shine and overpower the suffering. If you ignite that light in you and let it ease the pain, then you’d be able to lead yourself out of the darkness you’ve so been used to for so long.

It won’t be as easy though as singing Firework. It took me around two years to escape. However, you could definitely do so much better than that. If ever there’s one advice I’d like to leave, you just got to keep that spark of happiness in you alight and own your night.

And when you’ve escaped that room of gloom, go boom, boom, boom, and be even brighter than the moon, moon, moon!

Shortest Straw (Turnback Tuesdays)

Given the recent turn of events, I had an entry in mind for our weekly TT. However, I've posted the entry last week. So I chose another one from my tabulas blog that still follows my current mood.

well, day started out a little rough for me coz i was late for my class. hehe. im really sorry i just woke up late. anyway, i taught then went to samboy to catch a glimpse of the amazing race hehe. tar just rocks. after that went to gateway and stayed there until around 5. then we headed to kamirori for sean's despedida. aww, my fellow reality tv freak is leaving for the states. we will surely miss you!

I remember one class back in third year where i felt that God was playing me. Well, there was this seatwork where i knew all of the answers except for one number. I mean gladly raised my hand early on so that i won't be called for that number. I think it was twelfth in a 20 item seatwork. But the numbers just kept creeping towards number twelve and finally the horror became reality. I got called to answer number twelve. God. I felt so cheated back then. Well, i got the wrong answer and i felt bad. haha talk about being shallow but i really wanted to impress eh. It was in the first few weeks of classes.

Well, moral of the anecdote, prepare for the worst. haha. it's sorta not like that but it somewhat says that. i mean sometimes the you think of scenarios that would most likely happen and there's always this one which you'll be most miserable after that scenario. You'd think that it's just in movies tht the worst case happens and it rarely does in real life. But truth be told, it often happens. I mean just something bad happening to you is the worst thing which could happen to you. get it? Haha. Well, maybe it's not always the worst, i mean that person should be so unlucky then if he always gets the shortest straw.

i believe that He's not playing tricks on us. He really wants us to get the shortest straw sometimes. It's really not a bad thing come to think of it. Well for me it's not coz i believe that God won't give us something He knows we couldn't handle. I mean why would He manipulate all of these events so that we could get the shortest straw if it's for nothing. (Well, it sounds bad but when you replace it with good events this becomes all the more good, hehe) God always wants us to learn from these things. He wants us to experience the worst so that we could get something from it and turn ourselves into the best people we could be.

Everything happens for a reason.

We are Never Too Young

I don’t think God or the universe has made it clearer for me to do or be something than the events that have transpired the past weekend, our college leadership camp on physical and spiritual wellness and losing one of my high school classmates to cardiac arrest.

More than the obvious appeal to become more well, the weekend reminded me not to take anybody special for granted for I may never have the time I think I have to make them feel how special they are to me.

Show them just how special they make you feel and make every moment count. We are never too young to live today. We are never too young to love today.

Darryl, I heard you’ve become a video-editing expert while you pursued being a doctor. Now that you’re happily with Him, pray for us that we edit and heal ourselves. You will sorely be missed. Until we meet again!

If you just said it before...

I would have believed your insight more.

On the way home tonight, I reflected on an entry I came across a few days ago on tumblr. In a gist, the author compared previous and current posts, realized how happier he is right now and advised those who follow him to live the life and be happy as well.

I wanted to tell him that yeah that advice seems real to you now that you’re happy. But would you have said that at the time you said that you were depressed? I would not think so. (A product of me recently channeling the black swan as I’d like to call it.)

The reason I’m quite unmoved by such statement is that he said it at a time wherein it’s expected of him to say it. Sometimes, it’s not just about what we say and how we say it but when we say it as well. Statements uttered during moments they seem unexpected or forbidden are often more meaningful than those which are uttered in moments where they are expected to be uttered. Words seem emptier and less forceful.

Thus, speak the truth especially when it seems unspeakable or counterintuitive for it renders words more powerful and longer lasting.

Can't spoil it for you. You have to wait and see (Turnback Tuesdays)

We begin February with an entry I wrote in June 2005. If you are disinterested about my life at that time, you may skip to the 3rd paragraph. I won't mind. You know how I tend to write verbose and this one's just one of the many which proves it very much. Enjoy! 

This is the first college weekend which has me drowning in stuff to do for the next week. Well, i've got 2 botany reports to make and i have to know my japanese lessons by heart. Gosh, now i want my math subject back. Haha. No, i'm sticking with my japanese classes. It's much more tolerable to have fun with a new language than to have "fun" with numbers and formulas. Formulas and numbers which have bugged me through my high school life. Grarg. But i'll be meeting them for one last time, i hope, next summer. By then, i'd be lost in those formulas again. Lord, help me remember my high school math.

It's such a bummer that Marlo will be leaving in a week for Canada. I'll relly miss him because he has provided me a lot of inspiration, heart and...gossip. Haha kidding. The Philippines will soon be losing someone great once again. Well, i know we'll be seeing one another once again in the future because we're aiming for the same career path and that is biologocal research. We're excited about discovering the elixir of life, ain't it Marlo? haha.

Yesterday we watched Big Fish for literature. Well, we're not yet done with the film but thoughts have already played in my mind. Shucks, i should've watched it last summer because it was shown for the TD kids but i had to figure out a way to have my merienda back for the kids. Long story there but to cut it short, the kids got to have the merienda the next day. Haha. Well, as i said, some thoughts. Actually only one about knowing the end of something.

Well there are always pros and cons about things. A good thing bout knowing the end is that you'll know that something which pops up won't really end the thing you are doing. Let's take what the film uses as an example, life. If you know when you are going to die, then you'll know that things which will come your way will just hurt you and not kill you. It will give you the courage to face your worst fears and do certain heroic acts which are a big incentive for someone wanting to be idolized by many.

But i believe that knowing the end is trash. Well, the saying begin with the end in mind doesn't assure us of knowing the end for that something because we are only striving for something and we still do not know if we will achieve our goal. Knowing the end is trash because it takes out the spice of life that is not knowing the future holds for us. Sure we won't have the courage to face something because we know that it won't kill us but that courage could be dug from somewhere within us and we could still be heroic without knowing what will happen to us. As proof, there are many heroes we've idolized and none of them knew there end. Well, except for those sentenced to death but that's another thing.

Life is meant to be lived without us knowing what the future holds for us. It is that aspect of life which makes it exciting and worth living. I love the spontaneity that life brings us. It makes us up on our feet and anticipate whatever it brings. There'll be hard breaks, that's a part of it. But everything else is worth something to live for.

Live life. Love life. Never fear death.

(I hope that i can have this attitude.)

Five years later, I'm still a work in progress in terms of this but hey, I know I've made leaps and bounds!