The Unbearable Lengthiness of my Entries

I finally had the chance to celebrate my birthday with my friends by having dinner at Uncle Cheffy Eastwood last Saturday. It’s the first time I have seen most of them in weeks. Some, even in months. Anyway, the ribs, seafood and panizza were all great. But as always, the best thing about the night was the company of friends. Staying in Eastwood until 2am still didn’t seem enough for all the stories and the laughter. Hopefully, Christmas party comes sooner than we expect it!

Anyway, Ralf asked me how come my entries are long. And sometimes, even hard to read, I inferred. Haha. He said that it doesn’t quite appeal to the current reader since they are more used to witty one-liners or photoblogs especially with the emergence of one-stop multimedia-enhanced blog sites.

I told them that I consciously veered away from such sites knowing the pressure to conform and satisfy the common format. I chose old-school blogging because I have been accustomed with it for the past five or so years of my life. I want the entries’ thoughts to really become my site’s focal point. Thus, my “no frills, pure writing” blog.

Thinking more about Ralf’s question, I came up with another reason: My communication skills rest on a cornucopia of run-on and verbose sentences and my sheer inability at editing my thoughts. Thus, I speak the length of my train of thought which often results to lengthy and often incomprehensible bursts of words. Of course, there’s my conscious effort to heed the call of succinctness which may be proven by recent entry reductions in terms of amount of words. An average of 560 words for 11/24-25 entries versus 310 for 11/28-29 entries. However, I am still a work in progress. Also, this entry will most probably be an exception in the meantime though.

Going beyond proving that I treat this little corner as my personal commitment to help other people help themselves, I also perceive my site as an avenue and motivation for people to flesh out their thoughts and converse as well. Though one-liners may pack the punch of clever and wit, it often lacks the conversation-like feel of fleshed out blog entries. We are bedazzled but are we inspired?

I certainly do hope that, even though you’ve often probably come to the end of an entry with “WTH was he talking about?” in your mind, you’d still bear with me and my lengthy entries. I hope that the entries stimulate. you to reflect on your life and realize the essential things. May it also challenge you to not settle for one-line wonders but labor through lengthy troves where scores of treasures abound.

Tip the Scale and Balance

What is the first image that comes to your mind when you hear the word balance? Okay, you probably have one now but hold that a few seconds longer.

One of the recent themes recurring in my life is this idea of balance. The tarot card reading mentioned it, it was sort of discussed last Saturday at my long overdue birthday dinner and my DVD experience last night also devoted some time to it. I guess it’s time for me to think about what it means to live a balanced life.

Now let’s go back to our little exercise. If you thought of 50-50 or balance scales or anything depicting equilibrium then we’re probably the same wavelength. (Although not sure if that’s good or bad for you. Haha.)

However, from my recent musings, I have realized that balance does not necessarily translate to 50-50 or even 25-25-25-25. Matter of fact, It seldom does. We may devote more time for family, work or even ourselves and we could still be living a balanced life.

Balance varies for everyone. It may be 20% work -70% self – 10% family for you and 80% work-20% family for me and all the other possible combinations for everyone. But as long as we all feel the tranquility and contentment that comes with living our own supposed balanced life, then it does not matter what combination it takes to achieve it. The end definitely justify the means in this situation. We define our own balance.

Thus, I’d like you to reflect on your concept of balance and observe if you’re living it out. If not, seek to adjust accordingly. Remember that balance or stability has always come out of chaos and instability. Nobody lives and perceives that s/he lives a balanced life without the struggle of constant adjustment. Besides, the contentment that comes along is so much worth all of it.

A brief reminder before I end. Remember though that we constantly change and that the balance we need today may not be the balance we need tomorrow. Thus, we should always reflect on our own lives, our happiness and the balance that we constantly seek and try to live out.

it starts with you tipping the scale in favor of you living your own version of a balanced life.

Hands Clean

While listening to Alanis Morisette air her displeasure with a guy having his hands clean of the mess he made years before in her song Hands Clean, the vision of Leonardo diCaprio obsessively and compulsively cleaning his hands in the movie Aviator came to mind. How OC was it? Think of him soaping, rubbing, cleaning and washing his hands a multitude of times to the point where his hands were so clean it literally hurt. Squeaky clean was more like excruciating clean.

We often cleanse ourselves of past mistakes, heartbreaks and failures by choosing to forget them. We wash our hands and purge them from our memories and our hearts and wash hoping that forgetting would translate to the fact that they never really happened in the first place. Similar to Leonardo’s scene mentioned above, we sometimes even go the distance and experience pain just to make ourselves believe that they have ceased to exist.

You may wash your hands obsessively and compulsively over and over again but the stain will always remain. Forgetting does not erase the past’s occurrence. You may choose to forget, lie about or even just alter the past but the fact that it happened will always remain.

Thus, change is not the only constant thing in life but truth as well. For the truth, no matter how much we try to hide and change it, will always remain and will prevail in its right time.

Be a Fool

Last week, we went to Ate Solvie’s condo to celebrate Anne becoming a full-fledged teacher after passing LET. Congratulations Teacher Anne! Aside from watching Akihiro being victimized after Ervic double-crossed him on Survivor: Philippines, having pizza and pasta (and using my pizzanatic card), we asked Kuya Chris if he could tell us of our fortune to which he graciously replied.

Miss Len went in first. We thought she’d only need around a quarter of an hour but it lasted around an hour and a half. Of course, she got the usual banter from us! Since Ate Abby already went home and Aylin already had her chance the last time they visited condo, I was the lucky person next in line and followed Miss Len. Of course, I won’t reveal much about it since I have this idea that it’ll probably jinx all the positivity I got from the reading. Let’s just say though that the session lasted over an hour given how excited I was having experienced tarot card reading.

I’ll probably just share what the cards told me when I could not stop clarifying how I’d be able to continue with my streak of happiness. After being dissatisfied with the answers I got and picking five or six cards in the process, the next one that I got was the card…

THE FOOL.

I chuckled a bit thinking how the cards might have thought me as idiotic, asking more questions when I could’ve and should’ve just stopped. Kuya Chris asked me first what I thought it meant. I thought that the cards told me either of these:

1. I’m a fool for believing that this happiness will continue.

2. I’m a fool because I believe that I’m happy.

3. I’m a fool because I ask too many irrelevant questions.

4. I’m a fool. Period.

Most of you will probably agree with my fourth presumption. Heh! Just continue and see if you’re correct.

I was about to surrender to the fact that the cards have probably gone tired of my questions but Kuya Chris clarified that the fool isn’t as foolish as it seems. In the tarot world, it speaks of a beginning, of a clean slate. Somewhat a tabula rasa for those familiar with the term.

Having been recently ushered into this so-called adult world, I have been more prone to see the world as polluted and corrupted. As such, it has been difficult for me to trust and appreciate the people and things surrounding me.

Channeling innocence as when I was a child would help me in this struggle of viewing the world as a happier place. Trusting then seemed easier since people always seemed genuine and caring. The world seemed a big playground where children are left in their elders’ hands to enjoy and play. The world was a much happier place.

It may seem immature at first but having the innocence of a child sometimes helps us deal with life’s challenges a little better. Treat it as a fresh start. A process similar to rebirth. Something that would make you believe in the goodness of individuals and see the good in everyone.

Thus, I’d like to bring back this innocence I had when I was young and hopefully influence how I view the world and help me have an easier time trusting other people. Hopefully, you’d channel your inner child as well and experience your rebirthed self.Time to bring back the childhood, friends!

Bottomline: Be a Fool.

p.s. An exciting discovery also happened in the condo! I’ll reveal it to you guys, soon!

The Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle

Disclaimer: This entry is already probably my biggest effort in trying to sound like I still know some science. Anyway, one of the few things I still remember from my high school Physics class is the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle. In layman’s terms, the principle states that a particle’s position and momentum cannot precisely be measured simultaneously.

Certainly, you’re probably now uncertain how significant this uncertainty principle is to us. How in the world does a Physics concept relate to us, right?

Remember the entry on perceptions and cemented ones greatly affect how we inevitably perceive and act towards people? (Apologies to Burt Hummel of Glee’s Theatricality Episode entry) Such principle of Physics supports the thoughts presented in it when applied to our perception of others.

We meet people at different points in their lives. Sometimes, we meet them when they are full with glee, sometimes with sorrow. Some days, our encounters are rather ordinary. Some days however they seem to be taken from a novel or a movie. Given the variety of these encounters, I guess we could say that not one of these capture an individual’s entirety. One encounter does not define a person. And a person cannot define himself in just one particular encounter as well.

Just like Physics’ Uncertainty Principle, each encounter cannot define an individual’s entirety.

Not one of our encounters has the capacity to precisely capture an individual’s entirety. Just like measuring a particle’s position, it may only give us an idea of how the individual thinks and feels at that time and a glimpse as to how s/he deals with similar situations but that’s about it. To gain a better understanding of the individual, we can only research on the past and predict the future. Thus, we need to spend more time and effort to know them better.

Likening a person’s mood meanwhile to a particle’s momentum, one may be happy now but it can suddenly change in a minute or less. Also, one can be happy for a while but still be suffering from long-term depression. Thus, you really won’t have an idea how s/he is doing unless you stay with him/her for a longer time. Given how much more volatile people could be, gauging their disposition proves to be definitely much harder than projecting particle properties.

One encounter does not define an individual’s entirety. And an individual cannot define his/her entirety in just one encounter. Thus, such Physics principle supports the need for openness, time and effort to strengthen our relationships. We should always be open to new experiences with our acquaintances and even friends so that we’ll be able to erode whatever first impressions which have been cemented in our minds. Together with time and effort, we’ll be able to have a better understanding of the person concerned.

At that time, we shall be able to somewhat transcend the principle and be able to precisely measure both a person’s position and momentum simultaneously.

Writing this entry took me almost three weeks! I had a difficult time writing this  entry probably because I was often unsure how to relate the concept to daily life. But thankfully, I have pulled through!

A Prayer

Today marks the first anniversary of one of the most horrendous events that rocked 2009. The Maguindanao Massacre.

I can still remember the images reeking of death. No words could ever be enough to describe the gruesome and repulsive scene.

Fifty-eight (58) people. Some of them were deemed as political rivals. Some of them were just doing their job as media men and women. Some of them were just there with their own business to mind. But all of them killed brutally and without mercy. All of them dying innocently and pointlessly at the cruel hands of their heartless tormentors.

One pointless death is already a travesty. Fifty-eight is a catastrophe.

Even more saddening is the fact that the judicial process has not progressed much. Expected, yes given the country’s record. But for a case like this? I don’t think it should be.

I can just imagine the grief of the victims’ relatives. The past year has been trying and tiring. And the slow trial turnout can be likened to a constant rub of salt on their wounds. A seemingly perpetual presence of agony.

Dealing with death is difficult already. What more is dealing with unjustified death? Whatever the result is, nothing could bring the dead back to life. And most probably, no explanation could ever suffice for the life that has unjustly been taken.

There’s nothing we can really do now but support those who are still reeling from the loss of their loved one. Death is inevitable but grief is optional. Of course, everyone will grieve from the loss at some point and it may even recur. But if we give them the support they need, the healing process would surely hasten. And in time, they may have already learned to accept what God has given them.

Thus, join me as I pray for the victims of last year’s Maguindanao Massacre. May they have found peace and justice in God’s company. Let us also pray for the victim’s relatives that God grant them the strength, wisdom and peace to continue on with their lives. Let them know, Lord, that the country is one in supporting them in their fight for justice.

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with you. Blessed are you among women and blessed is the fruit of your womb Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen.

Globe: Not at all doing it my way

Being a Globe user for so long, I have been beyond disappointed with my last few encounters with my telecom provider. To save you from the rant I have given interested and willing victim listeners, I’ll be outlining the reasons why I have recently abhorred the said provider.

Well, I was supposed to go through three transactions which a Globe SM Marikina customer service representative already arranged in a supposed most logical order:

1. Transfer ownership from my aunt to my name

2. Change plan

3. Reserve and purchase an Iphone 4

Now, here are the reasons:

1. SM Marikina Globe CSR promised me a week to finish the first transaction but it took them a month to do so. And another CSR from the same branch confirmed herself that it was due to them having a lot of transactions → Why keep my hopes up that I’ll only need a week to wait when you won’t be able to deliver?

2. Another CSR calling me and informing me that I need to wait a month to begin with the third transaction → Why should I wait when it was their office’s fault that my transaction got delayed three weeks?

3. Learning that the reward points I have rightfully earned will expire by the end of the year → Why do these points have an expiration date when I earned them the hard way?

4.The CSR told me that I’d just go to the nearest business center or call the hotline to ask about my ordeal. → Either you go to Globe SM Marikina at 10am or wait for approximately 2 hours to be served. It’s difficult to get through the hotline either.

5. A CSR being rude separately to me and my mother upon transaction. → Need I say more about this?

None of these exemplify their current spiel of “Doing things your way.” More like the opposite. No positive customer experience in the last month whatsoever.

Of course, I have already saved you the trouble of listening to me berate the Globe representative I have talked with last Wednesday and Saturday. Both times, I seemed to cause a scene within the radius of the Pathways office. Don’t worry though, I have already apologized to him but still I am waiting for my answer from them.

The thought of disconnecting from Globe hounds me though. Currently, I really have no reason and incentive remaining with my plan. I also don’t have any qualms about being on prepaid.

I initially didn’t want to include this in my blog since it has the potential of becoming a rant. Something that isn’t quite in tune with the type of entries this blog has been churning out. But as you can see, I have done my best to remove the rage and be as objective as I can. Thus, the numbered lists. ☺

Aside from highlighting the need for constant follow-up, this experience has also showed me the value we should put in the words that we say. If we tell somebody that we’ll accomplish the task by this time, then we should commit to it and be able to accomplish them during the time allotted. When you feel that you won’t be able to finish on the time you agreed on, then tell him/her right away so that s/he’ll be informed. Of course, it still depends on how s/he’ll take it but it’s definitely much better if they are aware than if they are left in the dark.

Once you fail to meet the deadline because of your own shortcomings, don’t be rude and act like it was never your fault. You should know when you have the right to argue and when you should just fold.

Honor and commit to your word and know your place. Remember these three things and surely, you’ll be able to do things your way.

Light years away from Nanowrimo glory

One of my ultimate dreams is to write a novel. Thus, when I heard about nanowrimo last year, I was very excited to join and fulfill this dream of mine. However, two nanowrimos in and I could proudly say that I have miserably failed. Last year, I couldn’t even muster a thousand words and this year, I have been stuck at almost three thousand words. Probably already the final haul of words for this year’s edition.

Despite already imagining exciting plots, I found myself crushing my own nanowrimo dreams because of three reasons. One, work. Enough said. Two, good old pal tamaditis. Again, enough said. And three, my ineptitude in writing specific, vivid, tangible details to birth my novel to life. Hence, a milky way to traverse before I win Nanowrimo.

If you have been following this blog, you would have probably noticed my affinity for using abstract words. I think I’m better at getting my messages across if they remain as conceptual and intangible as possible. A manifestation of my being able to learn better through abstract reasoning. Thus explains my ineptness with the tangible.

Aside from being more aware that I probably need a lot of practice and a million more concrete words to write a decent novel, it also reminded me how everyone has his/her own array of talents. You may not write or dance or sing well but you should not feel bad about it. You are good at something. You just have to discover it for yourself.

The talented ones will probably have an easier time mastering their own craft but it should not discourage those who possess the love for such activity. Excellence still needs practice. We cannot rely on pure talent to become masters of our talent. We still need to commit and persevere in order that we become the best at something.

Such experience also reveals why envy has no room in our lives. We shouldn’t be envious of others’ achievements because they deserve it for working hard. Instead of moping and griping, why don’t we work hard on our own talents to become achievers as well?

Everyone has the capacity to achieve in his/her own right. We just have to refrain from comparing ourselves with others and believe that we could achieve something.

Crush Crush Crush

I would like you to think about someone you find cute or maybe someone you do have a crush on. As you answer the following question, please remember the probably giggly and kilig feeling you might have for this person.

Would you believe me more if I told you that s/he’s really crushable or s/he’s not?

Most of you would probably believe me more if I told you that s/he’s really crushable. Why would you support an opinion opposite of your own belief right? Certainly, you’d want to believe in something you already believe in.

Since we’re in the realm of biases, I’d like to briefly introduce the phenomenon of confirmation bias. Our tendency to believe in opinions which support what we already believe in. It’s just common sense that we believe more those we want to believe in and through those which also believe what we believe in already. Ain’t it difficult to entertain an opposing view when the comfort of a supporting one is at hand?

Remaining in the comforts of one’s own opinions indicates an individual who has a difficult time opening himself/herself to an opposing view. It’s quite selfish if you ask me, given that you only consider yourself and your preferences and biases in deciding what you will believe in. It’s also dangerous given the possibility of an illusion that almost everyone agrees with your opinion even when it’s not the case. Actually, it might even be eventually self-defeating as you limit yourself only to those you like and believe in. Instead of enriching yourself through diverse point of views, you become trapped in a world where broader perspectives are available.

It’s probably better if we genuinely open ourselves to the opinion of others. This includes weighing in on the pros and cons of both sides to arrive at a rational decision. Certainly, it would not be all rationality and zero preference, as one’s biases shall still ultimately influence the final decision. Though the initial decision stays, you were still able to gain new perspectives that hopefully were able to contribute to your growth. Besides, considering others’ opinions and still preferring the original decision strengthens the latter’s validity.

When the tempting comfort and convenience of confirming opinions presents itself, remember to resist and consider the opposing side. Only then will sounder decisions and an individual with a broader perspective be made.

The next time your friend asks you if his/her crush is really crushable, crush his/her crush first. If s/he still has a crush and the crush is really crushable, then good for your friend. But if the crush isn’t crushable, please crush your friend. Kidding of course!

Biased Bias against Bias

As a culminating activity to our workshop camp last weekend, we asked our fourth year high school students to come up with a presentation demonstrating what they have learned over the past weekend. We turned the presentation into a contest to provide the students some form of motivation and asked their facilitators to judge. Knowing that some if not most of them are “stage facilitators,” we decided that they would only judge sections in which they did not facilitate. We nipped the possibility of their being biased to their sections in the bud. Of course, they are probably more impartial than we made them out to be but better safe than sorry, you know.

We have always been taught and reminded to be fair in our decisions and actions. We often consult our rational side and strive to adhere to what it dictates. During these times, we often here how we should not let our biases influence our decisions. Being unbiased has become a synonym with being impartial. And catering to our biases has contracted negative connotation. Even Macbook’s dictionary and thesaurus has associated it with prejudice.

Thus, dear reader, I’d like to ask that you temporarily drop this bias against bias when you read the rest of this entry.

After reading about social psychology, I realized that we are biased individuals. Face it, we all have biases. It’s an effect of culture and experience. Being born into a certain culture already renders us biased since we are brought up in a manner which reflects the beliefs and values of the culture we belong to. W thus inherit these preferences and biases even before we realize that we have them. Experience also creates an impact on our biases as we lean towards those we like. Our biases evolve as culture and experience coalesce even greater. In a way, our own biases contribute to our diversity as individuals. Imagine if we all had the same biases. Wouldn’t that be like living in a bland world where homogeneity robs life of its variety and vigor?

Given such perspective, all decisions then made by men and women are influenced by bias. There probably is no decision completely made without bias. Of course, to varying degrees. No matter how supposedly impartial the systems and measures we create to curb bias especially in crucial decisions, the fact remains that as long as men and women decide, bias still comes in. Thus, we should not blame being unfair to the system but to the people who run the system.

What does this talk about bias give us then? Simple, be aware of your biases and how they influence you in your daily life. Again, bias is not something evil to have. It’s human nature. It only becomes evil when you draw on your biases to accomplish evil acts.

We should use our bias then to pursue the good. As such, one of the prime biases we should have is a bias for the good and the truth. In this way, we would be able to adhere to the truth, become impartial with our decisions and pursue the good. All accomplished with the acknowledgment that we are biased. In this newfound positive sense of course.

We are biased. We would not be who we uniquely are without our biases. The only thing that’s biased is this bias against bias.

I want to be a lotto multi-millionaire so freaking bad?

Aside from Pacquiao winning his eighth title and further cementing his status as a boxing legend, another bit of news that has enamored the whole country is the 400 million Grand Lotto jackpot prize. Nobody has won the prize as of yesterday and the pot money could very well reach the 500 million mark in the next few draws.

Being a part of the working class, I had the privilege to partake in the lotto craziness for the first time last Tuesday. Since my ticket was only good until the last draw, I shall bet another two draws in time for tomorrow night’s draw. Though Lady Luck hasn’t quite smiled on me, I’m still optimistic that I’ll win some prize someday. Heck, even the jackpot! Self-fulfilling prophecy, people!

Part of my self-fulfilling mantra is to contemplate on what I’ll do with the money if ever I win that big of an amount. Yes, dear reader, I spend a good ten minutes of my day just thinking about it and hoping that it does become reality for me. Don’t worry, if I win, I’ll give you around a hundred thousand just for reading my blog! Haha.

I was even joking with Marvin and Joy earlier today about the enormous amount. Withdrawing a hundred thousand or even a million would just be barya or buhryah as Lemu would say it.

But of course, I asked myself. “Do I really need that amount of money in my life?” Actually, two social sciences disciplines already somewhat disagree. I remember reading an article for our Microeconomics class that wealth can only influence happiness up to a certain point. For this instance, a point probably way below than the almost P500 million jackpot we have. Thus, P500 million seems too much for happiness to make up for.

And too much probably it is. Which can even lead to greater dissatisfaction. A strain of psychology’s tyranny of freedom. Excess choice leads to less satisfaction. Since we’d have more choices to spend our money on, we might be less and less satisfied with the purchases we make. The tendency to think that we could have probably spent better or purchased a more luxurious item becomes greater. And it perpetuates a consumerist cycle of purchase displeasure and heeding the urge to buy. The classic irony of having less when having more.

So what now? Probably a simple word switch of the classic irony will do. Have more when you have less. Happiness does not rely on money or the things it can buy. One can have a few possessions and still be happier than one who has all the material things. It just shows that happiness depends more on the intangible things that a person possesses such as close and supportive relationships, positive thinking habits and endeavors which enrich his/her life.

Of course, winning the grand lotto jackpot would not hurt one bit, right? But this early, let’s strive to seek and own less but still feel and have more.

Coming of Age: Token Birthday Entry

Looking back through my old blogs, I realize that I suck at making entries for my special day. And most probably, the trend would not be broken today.

As a treat/nuisance for my special day, I’m taking you down memory lane with me as I reveal the Tan that has been through the years through the blog sites I have had. I’ll just be posting links and a brief profile of the entries that could be found in them. I’ll be posting links for those that are still working so you can have the luxury to visit them and flame away with my entries. As such, you’ll probably stumble upon some Blast from the Past entries I have had posted before and will post in the future.

Are you ready to meet the younger versions of me? (Shucks, I feel like I’m so old!)

2002?-04?: Pitas blog, diaryland blog and unappreciated_paranoia @ xanga blog

As evident with the question marks which accompany the years and the lack of links and description, these blog sites have been long erased on the face of the cyber world. I got interested in blogging early in high school. It became an outlet for me to ramble and rant about the things I was experiencing at that time. I really have no concrete idea how I wrote during those years although most probably, it was rather informal and very much focused on my own wants and needs. Come on, I was just a high school student back then going through the pains of growing up!

August 2004 – November 2005: Crying it all out… http://immortalized_24.tabulas.com

A quick explanation of the site address. I used immortalized because of the seemingly clichéd fact that writing down your thoughts somewhat immortalizes them. I was number 24 when I won the Digital LG Challenge weekly finals Ateneo High School joined. And of course, the egotistic reason of wanting to be immortalized and known for my writing.

Despite the title being bordering emo (Yes, I admit that I am of the overtly dramatic clan), I consider blogging in tabulas as my golden age of blogging and probably my most memorable blog. Well, the self-centeredness and stubbornness from the previous blogs were still present. The teenage angst and insistence is palpable even as I read it now. However, most of the seriously-written entries showed a sense of maturity that seemed beyond that of a high school student. Though there were several periods of lull, there were also times when entries were religiously written. Even I cannot explain how I was able to write the entries I have written during those years!

Why do I consider it as one of the most memorable : a dash of inspiration and a whole lot of love, if you know what I mean. *wink wink*

November 2005 (June 2005) - January 2007: my iMMortal http://calle-nueve.livejournal.com

This blog was actually created in June of 2005 out of a requirement for English class since I did not want to use my tabulas site for academic purposes. However, I only completely moved to Livejournal in November of 2005 because most of my friends who had blog sites at that time were in Livejournal and I was also on the verge of experience a great shift/rift in my life.

The angst unquestionably remained and even intensified. The entries, though some mirrored the well-written ones from the Tabulas site, were darker and reeked of the vengeful, depressed and sometimes suicidal state I was in. Definitely a year’s worth of entries I would rather just purge.

However, I have not yet deleted even a single entry of my Livejournal because I have come to embrace the experience I have had during such delicate period of my life. I may have learned things the harder way but at least I could really say that I have grown in so many ways.

January 2007 – August 2007: Never too late to pretend http://insaneimmortal.blogspot.com

I left Livejournal as a step towards moving on from the depression I was suffering from. Though it did help me cope, it took much more time and effort from me than I expected before I fully recovered.

This blog probably is the most underutilized of the bunch. I think the only time I was frequently churning out entries was during my month-long break before leaving for my junior term abroad in France. It was a way of keeping true to the blog site’s title of pretending as my commitment to blogging took a backseat because of frequent bouts with depression and school work, especially during the months leading to my junior term abroad.

August 2007 – April 2009: Nine lives gone crazy http://tantannatnat.multiply.com/journal

Revisiting my multiply blog site, I realized that it served as a second copy of my entries from previous blog sites. However, come August 2007, I switched to writing entries solely in my multiply site because of two things. One, I anticipated that my junior term abroad experience would yield a plethora of photos and two, I wanted to be surer that I had readers for my entries. A symptom of an individual suffering from low self-esteem and yearning for acceptance. Multiply then became a one-stop update on how my life was going.

The move seemed to have paid off. Friends browsed through both my albums and my journal entries. In a way, Tan circa 2007-08 found the acceptance and happiness he was looking for when he moved to multiply. Entries seemed to be well-thought of similar to those from the Tabulas blog site. The angst had subsided as a happier and more satisfied Tan seemed to surface. Still, vestiges of angst remained and morphed into bitchiness. (You now probably have a hint why I’m sometimes such a pain to deal with. Haha)

Nevertheless, college kicked into its highest gear and destination graduation became a primary concern. Just like my experience with the previous blog, lapse between entries became greater because of academic priorities.

June 2009 – present: Nine lives gone crazy http://tantannatnat.blogspot.com

With social networking sites focusing on a media-rich approach, I was tempted to revive my affinity for blogging either through following trend with Tumblr or settling with the comfort zone of Facebook and its notes application. However, I found the two sites rather too fancy and unfamiliar. Thus, I remained with the classic blogger site. No frills. Just pure writing bliss.

Though it started out very similar to my other blogs, I decided just last September that this would be a happier blog mostly written in formal language. Though some may border college English composition levels(I’m afraid my English skills haven’t really improved over the past five years haha) and some others still demonstrate the anti-social bitch rant which has been token in my older blogs, I still make sure that somewhere and somehow, my entries would be able to make you reflect on your own life and realize that happiness is very much attainable if we only allow ourselves to be happy.

Despite being busy with work, I do hope that I’ll be able to write regularly and continue provoking thoughts whether they be deep or shallow ones. Pray for me, dear reader, that I’ll have the inspiration and determination to be true to my promise.

A common theme emerges if you revisit my supposed birthday specials. I always speak of growing in the last year and looking forward to experiencing more in the future. Though I’m itching to deviate from my usual birthday special (though I already did with this trip down memory lane), I would still say that I am very much thankful for the progress I have over the past year. Probably one of the years I could justify such statement the most.

As I said in the surprise Pathways prepared for me last Sunday, I have learned to love myself more this past year. And by loving myself, I mean taking steps closer to mastering who I really am, being readier to accept and let go, and always striving to think and live happiness. Hopefully, by learning to love myself more, I would be able to give myself more to others. To love them more.

I think my own coming of age has now come to its penultimate stages. I'd definitely say that I have already transitioned from being the demanding teen full of angst I was a few years back to the mellowed and happy young adult I am now. I know I still got a long way but I think I'm more than prepared to conquer the world and live my dream! Watch out, world!

Here’s to a 23-year old Tan who's HEALTHIER, more passionate, less brooding and moody, more loving and most important of all, happier with his life!

Thank you very much! Even by just reading, you have very well become part of celebrating my birthday and helped me become a happier individual.

Blast from the Past: I crave for...

Since I'm sort of preparing an extra special entry, I decided to post another blast from the past one. This time from another blog. Yes, if you aren't aware of it yet, I've had three to four blog sites before this. Promise, I shall be posting an original one tomorrow!

This entry was written circa 2005.

Cravings. They're already part of human nature. Everyone strives to feel or have something they badly need. Well, it's almost always actually a need spurred by a much hungered for want. It all starts from the want and not actually the need. Whether it be a simple itch on the back you want to scratch or the latest cellphone model you want to experience at your own fingertips, we always do something to achieve satisfaction. we almost always don't need these things. we just want them. we just crave for them. Just like having the latest cellphone model. You don't really need it coz you'd live with a simpler one or old one, you just want it. And these wanting often stems from something evil. We often want something because we become selfish and we become slaves of ourselves. We only think of what we want and not what we and the other people really need. We crave for ourselves. We want to satisfy only ourselves. We think only of ourselves. This is where the mentality "I am the only person in the world who needs to be satisfied and i'll do anything to get satisfied even if it takes me doing something so evil" kicks in.

I mean i'm not generalizing that everything we crave for stems from something evil. There are many situations where we crave for the good, where we become our true calling to be in the image and likeness of God. These are the times when we crave for something good to happen to other people and you don't really think about you being satisfied. It's the satisfaction of the whole group one thinks of and not self-satisfaction. Often, no evil aura is given off here though there are also times where evil creates a monopoly of people to pursue its own satisfaction. Evil self-satisfaction should eradicated.

One good step is to crave for love. Selfless and unconditional love. We don't necessarily have to love only one person and devote our lives to them, love can be offered to so many people. The love i am talking about is the love, which at the start, craves for something in return but almost always gets nothing and gets hurt. There will be times that this love will lose hope and start to fade but hope for eternal satisfaction should rescue the withering faith. Unconditional love often is a product of pain and sacrifice. and it'll be long an excruciating but when time comes when we've already learned of what it truly means, then we won't have hard time anymore. And at that point in time, we'll feel eternal satisfaction. Satisfaction that is far greater than the often temporary ones which pepper our lives.

Love is the hardest yet the best way to achieve the satisfaction we crave for all of our lives.

Blast from the Past: I'm a believer.

Since I'm really busy with the weekend camp coming, I decided to use one of my get out of jail free cards. Here's a blast from the not-so-distant past entry by Tan circa 2005. You may read through the whole thing but it's just freshman Tan blabbering about his first few days in college. Anyway, enjoy everyone!

Well, one boring college day. Haha. Crammed for my english outline homework which my supercalifragalisticexpialidocious english teacher forget to even mention it. Grarg. All that thirty minutes of cramming gone to waste. Shucks. If only i knew that it wouldn't be checked, then i would've done something more productive like chitchat. Haha. The reason why i am still awake is that i don't have a reason to wake up so early tomorrow. My class, take note, class starts at 12 and ends at 130. After that, hallelujah! I am done. Haha. I just love tuesdays. I can scout my org for my freshman year. I have some orgs in mind but i really don't know which combination would yield the best result. Haha. Help me naman oh.

Combinatorics (thanks to the second to the last sentence above) . Wala lang. I miss math. But i'm better off without it except for the fact that i'll be having calculus this summer. So i need a good soul to help me remember all the things i learned in fourth year. Oh God, help me!

I think i've been repeating the thoughts i've used in the past. I mean i'm just writing entries which have the same thought as some entry before. I don't know if it's something bad because it means that my creative juices are badly drying out and i need to supply it with new ideas. Or it could mean something good because it's saying that my concerns are of always the same and i've never changed sides. I mean honestly i'm also sometimes sick and tired of saying things over and over again but reinstating it with something brand new to tell just keeps me going. It's a good thing. I hope.

There is this technique in composition writing on emphasizing something. Repetition of words. I mean when you repeat such a word as Borobodur (Indonesian temple, i think) over and over again, the reader would easily remember it because the abundance of this word just makes it easier to memorize.

Well, life has its own technique also of making you believe that that something which keeps on repeating in your life has meaning. I mean when you meet someone n times over short span of time and suddenly sweet music starts to play in the background, then the technique worked.

Life is such a crazy writer that it keeps on repeating and repeating some details and it's up to us to decipher the meaning. But it'll keep on repeating until you finally find what it wants to say and life will grant you with that someone or something you really need.

Life, i need more proof that i need that thing you've always repeated in my life is the most essential thing i'll ever need.

Oh, wait. Now i am a believer.

Will you stay or will you go is not the question

After briefly being engaged in a conversation about my cousin’s LS venture and realizing that Christmas is just around the corner, I remembered my Christmas bazaar hopping almost years ago for our very own LS project. We sold Veo, the healthy hot chocolate powdered drink, back then.

Initial bazaars were a struggle for us since we still were not sure how to effectively sell our Christmas in a cup. I remember the meager sales and failed gimmicks for the first few ones. But as time went by, Veo’s bazaar tour became a success and proved to be a very profitable venture for us all. A success probably nipped in the bud too early as to this day, people are still looking for Veo. Oh well, let’s see if a Veo revival is possible.

Recently, I have realized how my brief bazaar sales experience could be used as a metaphor for meeting people. You might think it’s kind of stupid since selling does include meeting people but just please trust me that somehow, this shall make sense.

The ability to discriminate and separate potential buyers from plain window-shoppers was a definite asset during the bazaar. Hold your negative thoughts there as discriminate in this situation just simply means to differentiate people. Of course, I wanted to use a stronger word so that it’ll last longer.

Let’s face it, not everyone will buy your product. That’s why we have target consumers. Thus, such knowledge of a consumer’s potential of buying allows you to adapt your handling of him/her. You hard sell to those who buy and just smile to those who are just there to look around. In a way, it optimizes your efforts and eventually your profits. More for more and less for less.

How does this then relate to meeting people? Simple, discriminate and segregate. It may sound rude at first but it may help you understand better how relationships work.

Just like customers, people come and go in our lives. They look around and stop for a while but nobody has guarantee that they’ll stay. Investing in those who’ll stay seems easier and more fulfilling since these are individuals who we’ll be with for the rest of our lives. Following the bazaar salesman metaphor, we should really make effort for these people because they deserve such effort. They deserve nothing but the best because they chose to stay.

However, some people are meant to leave us, those who just wandered around and got to know you probably a little well. But eventually, they will go because they are meant to leave us. And we should not feel cheated or whatsoever because there was never a guarantee in the first place.

At this point, I’ve realized that I’d probably need to change a portion of the bazaar salesman analogy and say that we should make as much effort in getting know individuals we meet whether they are meant to stay with us or leave us. At first, we might feel cheated by those who have left us but we should just cherish and be grateful for the moments we spent with them. Let us not dwell on the reasons s/he left but celebrate the reasons and moments s/he stayed with us.

People will leave and people will stay. And we have no control who leaves and stays. The important thing is that we always feel blessed for the experiences we have shared with them regardless of their presence or absence.