Oh well, it's almost 1am and I'm still up. Probably one of the rarer moments nowadays that I'm awake past midnight. Most of the time, I'm already asleep by 10 or 11 pm as I have to wake up a little before/after 6 the following morning. I think I already adjusted my body clock but I still would want to be up so late sometimes since I'd want to catch up on things I've missed out on the past few days.
It's January 31. The last day of the first month. Grabe. 2010 is flying by just too fast. February na tomorrow. Valentine's in two weeks. Wala lang haha just saying. But yeah, time has really, really been too fast.
Sometimes, I just wonder how it feels like to have a normal weekend? Haha. Anyway, this is a trashy entry but would probably help me transition to lalaland.
A more decent entry coming later. promise. Night!
30 January 2010
27 January 2010
self-induced awful bitter aftertaste
It's just almost 8am in the morning and I'm gearing up for work today. It's supposedly a hectic day but I find myself writing an entry at such an odd time. Well, maybe it's because I'm using this to prep myself up for the long day ahead. Don't you worry, this shall be quick, easy and painless. Haha.
Since my stash of yummy yogurt was already depleted, I went to the supermarket last night to buy some. Being the conservative yogurt person that I am, I instantly went for my two most favorite Nestle Fruit Selection flavors, Mixed Berry Medley and Buko Nata. But then, I spotted their creamy yogurt and got curious as to how it would taste. I've read in a website that yogurt without fruits is healthier in terms of sugar and fat content. And so I bought one to try the original one.
Like a toddler eager to unwrap his present, I instantly opened the yogurt the moment I got home. Lo and behold, it was too sour for my taste. And being creamy didn't even help a bit as I loathe the texture of the yogurt. I tried to save it by mixing some chocolate with it but the trick did not work. Thus, I only finished half of the cup. The worse thing though is that the taste of the yogurt lingered. I tried to drown the taste with chips, chocolate and milk but all didn't work. I actually wanted to vomit at some point because the taste was just too mcuh for me. Thankfully, I had the power to control myself. Till the time I went to sleep, I could still the putrid yogurt taste. Blech. Good thing when I woke up today, it was all gone.
Actually I only have myself to blame last night. Not because of buying yogurt but because of making the taste linger. I could alibi that it's savoring the taste but it's not. It's just really me making the putrid taste a little too long.
And of course, it got me thinking. It might be reflective of how I deal with melancholic experiences. I let them linger. Most of the time, a bit too much for my own good. Thus, no matter how much I drown them with chocolates and chips and all happy things, they all still leave an awful bitter aftertaste. Something I only have myself to blame.
Since my stash of yummy yogurt was already depleted, I went to the supermarket last night to buy some. Being the conservative yogurt person that I am, I instantly went for my two most favorite Nestle Fruit Selection flavors, Mixed Berry Medley and Buko Nata. But then, I spotted their creamy yogurt and got curious as to how it would taste. I've read in a website that yogurt without fruits is healthier in terms of sugar and fat content. And so I bought one to try the original one.
Like a toddler eager to unwrap his present, I instantly opened the yogurt the moment I got home. Lo and behold, it was too sour for my taste. And being creamy didn't even help a bit as I loathe the texture of the yogurt. I tried to save it by mixing some chocolate with it but the trick did not work. Thus, I only finished half of the cup. The worse thing though is that the taste of the yogurt lingered. I tried to drown the taste with chips, chocolate and milk but all didn't work. I actually wanted to vomit at some point because the taste was just too mcuh for me. Thankfully, I had the power to control myself. Till the time I went to sleep, I could still the putrid yogurt taste. Blech. Good thing when I woke up today, it was all gone.
Actually I only have myself to blame last night. Not because of buying yogurt but because of making the taste linger. I could alibi that it's savoring the taste but it's not. It's just really me making the putrid taste a little too long.
And of course, it got me thinking. It might be reflective of how I deal with melancholic experiences. I let them linger. Most of the time, a bit too much for my own good. Thus, no matter how much I drown them with chocolates and chips and all happy things, they all still leave an awful bitter aftertaste. Something I only have myself to blame.
26 January 2010
well baby they're tumbling down, hopefully.
One of the things I learned being a graduate of a Catholic university is dwelling on a passage during reflection. They say that you don't really need to read a lot to understand what God wants you for that day. You just have to dwell on a passage that strikes you. And strikes you oh so deep.
Today at mass, it didn't occur during the homily. It occurred during the final blessing at such a common adage. Well, to cut a long story short, it was the simple two word combination of "useless worrying."
Worrying is my cup of tea. My friend Andrew even described me as an eternal worrywart for my yearbook. Imagine that. Being described as someone who worries a lot can actually be worrysome. Haha. I guess this habit of mine of worrying a lot stems from the fact that I am a perfectionist of some sorts and that I don't want anything that would hinder me from achieving perfection. But of course, I'm much blessed a crammer thus creating such a unique and most of the time, harrowing experience. It's difficult to be a worrysome perfectionist and a hustler crammer at the same time. And I've almost died tons of times because of such combination.
But then those two words today could be the beginning of a change of perspective. Trusting in God that whatever happens is meant to happen (And God has saved my behind a lot of times He knows that) With the recent earthquake in Haiti, I've become more fearful of my life. Yet knowing that God always gets His way and that I'd always learn something for myself from such things makes me less worrysome and more trusting in Him and hopefully in other people.
A thought to close this entry. I think the past few entries, it's all been about trust. Four years later, i think I still haven't learned to really trust people especially with what happened to me. But just as I said, today may be the start of those walls I built to tumble down just as Beyonce's Halo would go.
If ever there's something I need, it's to trust more intelligently.
25 January 2010
adjusted weekend pros and cons
I'm supposed to be on offset tomorrow but still most of my day will be devoted to work-related matters. GAH. Work this coming week has piled up. Worse, most of those cannot really be postponed. Well, I just really need to focus this coming week so that I'll be able to handle and accomplish everything.
I've just lately realized that my week has really been screwed. Haha. Ever since I've become an NSTP volunteer FOUR years ago, my Saturdays have mostly been devoted to Pathways. That's why I can seldom go out on a Friday night and mostly too tired to go out on a Saturday night. It has been a routine I've become much adjusted to. Good thing though that now that I'm already a staff, I can offset my Mondays so that I'll still have two days of rest. Haha. Yay for a month's worth of offset hours!
But starting this week, I'd really have a day off for myself since it'll really help me. Despite the fact that my work week shall be crunched to four days (the fifth one is more of operations already) it's going to give me the rest I need to face the workload ahead. Meaning I need to train myself to focus when I need to focus. Haha.
Though I still have to practice drowning out every inch of work during my relax time since it does stress me. Instead of enjoying my break, I get panicky and worried over stuff I need to do. And sometimes, it makes me regret having this time for myself.
But I shouldn't because I deserve time for myself. It's okay to be selfish during times you should prioritize your own well-being, right?
I've just lately realized that my week has really been screwed. Haha. Ever since I've become an NSTP volunteer FOUR years ago, my Saturdays have mostly been devoted to Pathways. That's why I can seldom go out on a Friday night and mostly too tired to go out on a Saturday night. It has been a routine I've become much adjusted to. Good thing though that now that I'm already a staff, I can offset my Mondays so that I'll still have two days of rest. Haha. Yay for a month's worth of offset hours!
But starting this week, I'd really have a day off for myself since it'll really help me. Despite the fact that my work week shall be crunched to four days (the fifth one is more of operations already) it's going to give me the rest I need to face the workload ahead. Meaning I need to train myself to focus when I need to focus. Haha.
Though I still have to practice drowning out every inch of work during my relax time since it does stress me. Instead of enjoying my break, I get panicky and worried over stuff I need to do. And sometimes, it makes me regret having this time for myself.
But I shouldn't because I deserve time for myself. It's okay to be selfish during times you should prioritize your own well-being, right?
20 January 2010
this is how you relieve yourself of stress
There's no better stress relief than engaging in meaningful conversations and sharing laughter with good old friends over dinner. Thanks Andrew and Martin!
I should always remind myself of that. Bow.
Off to lalaland now and hello work again tomorrow.
I should always remind myself of that. Bow.
Off to lalaland now and hello work again tomorrow.
19 January 2010
not tolerance but respect
It's been almost two weeks since my last entry. Well, despite getting to work at 730am in the morning, I still almost always go home late. Well, it isn't actually by choice but it's just because most of the meetings with the volunteers usually occur in the later hours of the afternoon when they're freer. Oh well, probably step two would be to discourage them from meeting with me during the afternoon. Haha.
Today is my first actual offset for this year. And I've done a lot of things today (some work-related but negligible haha) and most of them are stuff I've wanted to do for so long. Well, sleep without worrying about waking up at 6am would be the first one. I finally downloaded the 11th episode of CSI:NY, went bowling with my cousin Pierre and got a haircut. I think I should really revive bowling as my stress release. Ansarap eh. Haha. If ever there's one hobby that's considered as a sport, bowling probably is the closest! Haha. Despite the almost one hour duration of the haircut, I love my new hair. Ngayon, mas fan na talaga ako ng short hair for myself because it's more manageable and I don't need to worry if ever I look such a hot mess. HOT MESS DAW! HAHA.
Past two days, there's been a lot of talk (and bashing?) about being gay. Well, from the last few years I've been aware and affected by such situation, I've learned that the real best thing to do ay huwag nang pumatol sa mga makikitid ang utak. I mean come on. Well I cannot speak for the whole gay community in the country pero ako for myself, I just want people to respect. I don't want to ask for tolerance 'cause it seems like I'm doing or being something offensive when I'm not. And before you try to opine, please please think about how people would feel. Yes, everyone's entitled to their own opinion but that doesn't mean you cannot be sensitive about things.
Andami ko pa actually gustong sabihin about this issue but I'd rather save it for another blog entry for I might not give justice to my case. Basta ang masasabi ko nalang, mula sa homily ng pari kanina, hindi makitid ang pananaw at pagmamahal ng Diyos. At hindi siya nanghuhusga lalo na sa mga tulad kong may "disorder" daw.
Today is my first actual offset for this year. And I've done a lot of things today (some work-related but negligible haha) and most of them are stuff I've wanted to do for so long. Well, sleep without worrying about waking up at 6am would be the first one. I finally downloaded the 11th episode of CSI:NY, went bowling with my cousin Pierre and got a haircut. I think I should really revive bowling as my stress release. Ansarap eh. Haha. If ever there's one hobby that's considered as a sport, bowling probably is the closest! Haha. Despite the almost one hour duration of the haircut, I love my new hair. Ngayon, mas fan na talaga ako ng short hair for myself because it's more manageable and I don't need to worry if ever I look such a hot mess. HOT MESS DAW! HAHA.
Past two days, there's been a lot of talk (and bashing?) about being gay. Well, from the last few years I've been aware and affected by such situation, I've learned that the real best thing to do ay huwag nang pumatol sa mga makikitid ang utak. I mean come on. Well I cannot speak for the whole gay community in the country pero ako for myself, I just want people to respect. I don't want to ask for tolerance 'cause it seems like I'm doing or being something offensive when I'm not. And before you try to opine, please please think about how people would feel. Yes, everyone's entitled to their own opinion but that doesn't mean you cannot be sensitive about things.
Andami ko pa actually gustong sabihin about this issue but I'd rather save it for another blog entry for I might not give justice to my case. Basta ang masasabi ko nalang, mula sa homily ng pari kanina, hindi makitid ang pananaw at pagmamahal ng Diyos. At hindi siya nanghuhusga lalo na sa mga tulad kong may "disorder" daw.
07 January 2010
trust is a very deceiving word
Ako ang tipo ng tao na mahirap magtiwala kahit dapat nang magtiwala.
Pero ako rin ang tipo ng tao na mahirap mawalan ng tiwala sa mga pinagkakatiwalaan niya.
Kagulo.
Sana kaya kong magtiwala kapag kailangan na at sana kaya kong hindi na magtiwala kapag hindi na talaga.
martyrdom much?
Pero ako rin ang tipo ng tao na mahirap mawalan ng tiwala sa mga pinagkakatiwalaan niya.
Kagulo.
Sana kaya kong magtiwala kapag kailangan na at sana kaya kong hindi na magtiwala kapag hindi na talaga.
martyrdom much?
06 January 2010
we're the song inside the tune
I went to Ateneo High to go to mass early today. Well, half-a-mass since I only got to the HS chapel in time for Prayers of the Faithful. Anyway, Sibol sang today since it's a Wednesday. A tradition started even before me. Their singing, with violin to boot, reminded me of CSO-choired friday masses from before when we would sing our hearts out over mass songs. And sometimes well probably always praying for the success of our clusters' activities and the CSO as a whole. God, I miss those days. I miss my CSO friends. Hopefully, a reunion is in the works sometime this year. Haha.
After the mass, I felt quite disappointed since I wasn't able to begin the mass. I felt like I failed...at life. Haha. Yeah, that's how I'd always feel when I fail to do something I'm supposed to do. It's like every right thing I've made has been negated by a single, sometimes even futile mistake. And that feeling really sucks. So much. And ever since I've left school, started work and said hello to the real world, it's something I've been trying to understand well enough about myself.
A few minutes after, while walking to the office, I realized that I'll just have my soon-to-be M-W-F regular mass time slot which is 11:30am. Shortly after, I felt relieved. And actually wanted to bang my head for feeling so much like I'm a failure when I'm actually not.
And probably I always have to remind myself of this moment and of the many moments I've felt so bad over simple and sometimes stupid things. I should rid myself of the unfulfillable expectations I've always put on myself and remember that the world won't know and CARE that you've actually effed up on your own expectations.
So lighten up, Tan. And appreciate life! And always, always remember that line from the song that has become your anthem some years back, "we're the song inside the tune, full of beautiful mistakes..."
After the mass, I felt quite disappointed since I wasn't able to begin the mass. I felt like I failed...at life. Haha. Yeah, that's how I'd always feel when I fail to do something I'm supposed to do. It's like every right thing I've made has been negated by a single, sometimes even futile mistake. And that feeling really sucks. So much. And ever since I've left school, started work and said hello to the real world, it's something I've been trying to understand well enough about myself.
A few minutes after, while walking to the office, I realized that I'll just have my soon-to-be M-W-F regular mass time slot which is 11:30am. Shortly after, I felt relieved. And actually wanted to bang my head for feeling so much like I'm a failure when I'm actually not.
And probably I always have to remind myself of this moment and of the many moments I've felt so bad over simple and sometimes stupid things. I should rid myself of the unfulfillable expectations I've always put on myself and remember that the world won't know and CARE that you've actually effed up on your own expectations.
So lighten up, Tan. And appreciate life! And always, always remember that line from the song that has become your anthem some years back, "we're the song inside the tune, full of beautiful mistakes..."
04 January 2010
a hosting stint
It's been quite a long day, waking up much earlier than usual and pursuing supposed changes in my work style. I also got to incorporate some of the changes I wanted for myself when it comes to my day such as working early before everyone comes in and squeezing in an hour of mass during the day. I just really hope everything holds up given my record with such habits. haha.
But I know I'll succeed, I bought a new planner to help me with that. Haha. I actually had a difficult time choosing the right one for me but I chose something which both had what I wanted and probably needed: Big space for listing yet a compact planner. Hopefully it'll all be written over once 2011 comes. Hopefully.
Happy birthday Karen Magtubo! I know you were really happy back there in Mcdonald's. Haha. Kahit nga sila na lang eh at hindi na kami, alam kong buo na birthday mo may sobra pa for next year. Haha.
Happy birthday to my lola as well! She's diamond now you know! Seventy-five years old. Hopefully seventy-five more! Huwat. No only up till a 100 :p We had a little party for her and I thought that I'd just sit in a corner and be my introverted self not mingling with the guests especially that it was my lola's amigas. But lo and behold, they waited for me to host her short program. Impromptu. Haha. In fairness, I realized I might really be working on my hosting skills now. Haha. Improving much. Pwede na siguro akong magkacareer in hosting. A step closer to my dream of hosting a travel show!
Well, my hosting stints might mean I'm finally breaking out of my shell and becoming more people-oriented. Of course, I'm still introverted but right now, it seems that I'm really on my way to becoming a more people person than I was before. Thus, my goal of being a sunshine to people is well within reach!!! Hmmm...probably not well yet but within reach! Haha.
But I know I'll succeed, I bought a new planner to help me with that. Haha. I actually had a difficult time choosing the right one for me but I chose something which both had what I wanted and probably needed: Big space for listing yet a compact planner. Hopefully it'll all be written over once 2011 comes. Hopefully.
Happy birthday Karen Magtubo! I know you were really happy back there in Mcdonald's. Haha. Kahit nga sila na lang eh at hindi na kami, alam kong buo na birthday mo may sobra pa for next year. Haha.
Happy birthday to my lola as well! She's diamond now you know! Seventy-five years old. Hopefully seventy-five more! Huwat. No only up till a 100 :p We had a little party for her and I thought that I'd just sit in a corner and be my introverted self not mingling with the guests especially that it was my lola's amigas. But lo and behold, they waited for me to host her short program. Impromptu. Haha. In fairness, I realized I might really be working on my hosting skills now. Haha. Improving much. Pwede na siguro akong magkacareer in hosting. A step closer to my dream of hosting a travel show!
Well, my hosting stints might mean I'm finally breaking out of my shell and becoming more people-oriented. Of course, I'm still introverted but right now, it seems that I'm really on my way to becoming a more people person than I was before. Thus, my goal of being a sunshine to people is well within reach!!! Hmmm...probably not well yet but within reach! Haha.
So if you need someone to host your party (preferably children's ones where guests can easily be fooled haha) you can contact me if you're willing to try an amateur testing the hostile hosting waters. (Not really hostile but the alliteration was just too satisfying to miss out)
03 January 2010
frozen yogurt is like!
Today is the last day of vacation. Yay. So fun. Haha. Anyway, I spent the day with my family at SM Marikina where we had lunch and walked around the mall for quite some time afterwards. Actually, I was supposed to stay in Starbucks to finish some unfinished work over the vacation. However, there were a lot of people inside and even if I stayed to wait, I know I won't be able to concentrate on my task there. So I ended up just going around the mall wandering aimlessly. Haha. That sounded a lot miserable than what really happened.
I actually tried to look for a planner to organize my life and inspirational books to keep my moving this 2010. However, I ended up empty-handed because I couldn't find the perfect planner for me and the inspirational books I was looking for. It seemed a fruitless walk actually 'til I went up the second floor and got enticed by a new store.
Frozen Yogurt!
Yumminess galore. I've only come to like frozen yogurt recently especially that I haven't really liked the taste of yogurt before. I remember how my JTA mates would go gaga over buying yogurt at Carrefour and I'd end up just buying pudding. Well, actually, I only got interested to try it when my friends expressed how much they enjoyed eating the dessert. So I tried it last December and have loved it ever since. I remember adjusting to the somewhat sour taste and how it was a struggle at the beginning. But gradually, I got used to it and have loved it ever since.
Being true to my supposed healthier lifestyle, I only order fruit toppings with it. So I got one with blueberry today. Actually, having fruit with it made me adjust easier to the taste. Without the sweetness, which is important for a sweet tooth like me, I won't probably be as adjusted as I am now.
Actually, it made me think how I can adjust to things I don't really like. Being the stubborn person that I am, when I don't like something, one would need to move heaven and earth to let me like it. Just like how I am to most vegetables in this world. haha. But if I try it gradually and try it with something I like, then I'd probably get to like it eventually. So that's probably something I have to keep in mind as surely I'm bound to encounter a lot of things I don't like I need to like.
But I'm surely gonna eat some frozen yogurt to help me cope with those in the future :p
I actually tried to look for a planner to organize my life and inspirational books to keep my moving this 2010. However, I ended up empty-handed because I couldn't find the perfect planner for me and the inspirational books I was looking for. It seemed a fruitless walk actually 'til I went up the second floor and got enticed by a new store.
Frozen Yogurt!
Yumminess galore. I've only come to like frozen yogurt recently especially that I haven't really liked the taste of yogurt before. I remember how my JTA mates would go gaga over buying yogurt at Carrefour and I'd end up just buying pudding. Well, actually, I only got interested to try it when my friends expressed how much they enjoyed eating the dessert. So I tried it last December and have loved it ever since. I remember adjusting to the somewhat sour taste and how it was a struggle at the beginning. But gradually, I got used to it and have loved it ever since.
Being true to my supposed healthier lifestyle, I only order fruit toppings with it. So I got one with blueberry today. Actually, having fruit with it made me adjust easier to the taste. Without the sweetness, which is important for a sweet tooth like me, I won't probably be as adjusted as I am now.
Actually, it made me think how I can adjust to things I don't really like. Being the stubborn person that I am, when I don't like something, one would need to move heaven and earth to let me like it. Just like how I am to most vegetables in this world. haha. But if I try it gradually and try it with something I like, then I'd probably get to like it eventually. So that's probably something I have to keep in mind as surely I'm bound to encounter a lot of things I don't like I need to like.
But I'm surely gonna eat some frozen yogurt to help me cope with those in the future :p
On 2010 Resolutions
It's 1am in the morning of the last Sunday of my two week vacation and I'm still up. Aside from going home late 'cause I went out with Brian, Sam, Cookie and Macky aka AplPeaches, it's probably because of my fear of waking up an hour or two too late than the time I set myself to wake up. I tried to wake myself up with the alarm at 830am today and guess what time I woke up, 1130am. Good effing job, Tan. Anyway, I'm semi-tired right now and I'll just probably fall asleep later and wake up even later than what I wanted and still screw up my body clock. Oh well, good luck to me on my first day of work back.
I still don't want to go back to work. I wish I still had like a month left of vacation. Haha. So much for getting used to the bum life.
Anyway, staying true to the new year's habit of creating resolutions, I've come up with my own list. Of course, I won't share all of them so I that I won't jinx them to oblivion. I'll keep them first to myself and just share it with you, my dear readers, if there are any, when the right time comes aka when it has already been achieved. Rest assured though that most of it revolve around making my life more organized and having a greater sense of direction for myself. Heck, it could probably be summarized in attempting to have a more organized life. Hopefully 2010 resolutions would really be a success meaning a Tan that has become more professional. Naks. Haha.
These past two days have really been tough already. And I'm sure it'll continue for the rest of the year especially during these couple of early months. How come bad habits are hard to break yet good habits are difficult to form? Haha Oh well life. However, I've already started well with one of my resolutions. I think it's one that I'll really be keeping myself faithful to over the duration of the whole year. From it, I'm gaining a greater sense of calmness which I severely missed last year. And it really motivates me to religiously do it every night of my life. I'm doing it even right after I'm done with this blog entry.
I know keeping resolutions seem a daunting task but I know it'll heftily pay off in the end. I know I can keep one just like how I've stuck with my nightly habit of drinking milk. Yumminess.
When I go back to this entry in 2011, I promise that I've achieved what I wanted to achieve then.
But first, I gotta fix my body clock already for tomorrow. Haha. Toodles!
I still don't want to go back to work. I wish I still had like a month left of vacation. Haha. So much for getting used to the bum life.
Anyway, staying true to the new year's habit of creating resolutions, I've come up with my own list. Of course, I won't share all of them so I that I won't jinx them to oblivion. I'll keep them first to myself and just share it with you, my dear readers, if there are any, when the right time comes aka when it has already been achieved. Rest assured though that most of it revolve around making my life more organized and having a greater sense of direction for myself. Heck, it could probably be summarized in attempting to have a more organized life. Hopefully 2010 resolutions would really be a success meaning a Tan that has become more professional. Naks. Haha.
These past two days have really been tough already. And I'm sure it'll continue for the rest of the year especially during these couple of early months. How come bad habits are hard to break yet good habits are difficult to form? Haha Oh well life. However, I've already started well with one of my resolutions. I think it's one that I'll really be keeping myself faithful to over the duration of the whole year. From it, I'm gaining a greater sense of calmness which I severely missed last year. And it really motivates me to religiously do it every night of my life. I'm doing it even right after I'm done with this blog entry.
I know keeping resolutions seem a daunting task but I know it'll heftily pay off in the end. I know I can keep one just like how I've stuck with my nightly habit of drinking milk. Yumminess.
When I go back to this entry in 2011, I promise that I've achieved what I wanted to achieve then.
But first, I gotta fix my body clock already for tomorrow. Haha. Toodles!
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