12 minutes to lalaland

Oh well, it's almost 1am and I'm still up. Probably one of the rarer moments nowadays that I'm awake past midnight. Most of the time, I'm already asleep by 10 or 11 pm as I have to wake up a little before/after 6 the following morning. I think I already adjusted my body clock but I still would want to be up so late sometimes since I'd want to catch up on things I've missed out on the past few days.

It's January 31. The last day of the first month. Grabe. 2010 is flying by just too fast. February na tomorrow. Valentine's in two weeks. Wala lang haha just saying. But yeah, time has really, really been too fast.

Sometimes, I just wonder how it feels like to have a normal weekend? Haha. Anyway, this is a trashy entry but would probably help me transition to lalaland.

A more decent entry coming later. promise. Night!

self-induced awful bitter aftertaste

It's just almost 8am in the morning and I'm gearing up for work today. It's supposedly a hectic day but I find myself writing an entry at such an odd time. Well, maybe it's because I'm using this to prep myself up for the long day ahead. Don't you worry, this shall be quick, easy and painless. Haha.

Since my stash of yummy yogurt was already depleted, I went to the supermarket last night to buy some. Being the conservative yogurt person that I am, I instantly went for my two most favorite Nestle Fruit Selection flavors, Mixed Berry Medley and Buko Nata. But then, I spotted their creamy yogurt and got curious as to how it would taste. I've read in a website that yogurt without fruits is healthier in terms of sugar and fat content. And so I bought one to try the original one.

Like a toddler eager to unwrap his present, I instantly opened the yogurt the moment I got home. Lo and behold, it was too sour for my taste. And being creamy didn't even help a bit as I loathe the texture of the yogurt. I tried to save it by mixing some chocolate with it but the trick did not work. Thus, I only finished half of the cup. The worse thing though is that the taste of the yogurt lingered. I tried to drown the taste with chips, chocolate and milk but all didn't work. I actually wanted to vomit at some point because the taste was just too mcuh for me. Thankfully, I had the power to control myself. Till the time I went to sleep, I could still the putrid yogurt taste. Blech. Good thing when I woke up today, it was all gone.

Actually I only have myself to blame last night. Not because of buying yogurt but because of making the taste linger. I could alibi that it's savoring the taste but it's not. It's just really me making the putrid taste a little too long.

And of course, it got me thinking. It might be reflective of how I deal with melancholic experiences. I let them linger. Most of the time, a bit too much for my own good. Thus, no matter how much I drown them with chocolates and chips and all happy things, they all still leave an awful bitter aftertaste. Something I only have myself to blame.

well baby they're tumbling down, hopefully.

One of the things I learned being a graduate of a Catholic university is dwelling on a passage during reflection. They say that you don't really need to read a lot to understand what God wants you for that day. You just have to dwell on a passage that strikes you. And strikes you oh so deep.

Today at mass, it didn't occur during the homily. It occurred during the final blessing at such a common adage. Well, to cut a long story short, it was the simple two word combination of "useless worrying."

Worrying is my cup of tea. My friend Andrew even described me as an eternal worrywart for my yearbook. Imagine that. Being described as someone who worries a lot can actually be worrysome. Haha. I guess this habit of mine of worrying a lot stems from the fact that I am a perfectionist of some sorts and that I don't want anything that would hinder me from achieving perfection. But of course, I'm much blessed a crammer thus creating such a unique and most of the time, harrowing experience. It's difficult to be a worrysome perfectionist and a hustler crammer at the same time. And I've almost died tons of times because of such combination.

But then those two words today could be the beginning of a change of perspective. Trusting in God that whatever happens is meant to happen (And God has saved my behind a lot of times He knows that) With the recent earthquake in Haiti, I've become more fearful of my life. Yet knowing that God always gets His way and that I'd always learn something for myself from such things makes me less worrysome and more trusting in Him and hopefully in other people.

A thought to close this entry. I think the past few entries, it's all been about trust. Four years later, i think I still haven't learned to really trust people especially with what happened to me. But just as I said, today may be the start of those walls I built to tumble down just as Beyonce's Halo would go.

If ever there's something I need, it's to trust more intelligently.

adjusted weekend pros and cons

I'm supposed to be on offset tomorrow but still most of my day will be devoted to work-related matters. GAH. Work this coming week has piled up. Worse, most of those cannot really be postponed. Well, I just really need to focus this coming week so that I'll be able to handle and accomplish everything.

I've just lately realized that my week has really been screwed. Haha. Ever since I've become an NSTP volunteer FOUR years ago, my Saturdays have mostly been devoted to Pathways. That's why I can seldom go out on a Friday night and mostly too tired to go out on a Saturday night. It has been a routine I've become much adjusted to. Good thing though that now that I'm already a staff, I can offset my Mondays so that I'll still have two days of rest. Haha. Yay for a month's worth of offset hours!

But starting this week, I'd really have a day off for myself since it'll really help me. Despite the fact that my work week shall be crunched to four days (the fifth one is more of operations already) it's going to give me the rest I need to face the workload ahead. Meaning I need to train myself to focus when I need to focus. Haha.

Though I still have to practice drowning out every inch of work during my relax time since it does stress me. Instead of enjoying my break, I get panicky and worried over stuff I need to do. And sometimes, it makes me regret having this time for myself.

But I shouldn't because I deserve time for myself. It's okay to be selfish during times you should prioritize your own well-being, right?

this is how you relieve yourself of stress

There's no better stress relief than engaging in meaningful conversations and sharing laughter with good old friends over dinner. Thanks Andrew and Martin!

I should always remind myself of that. Bow.

Off to lalaland now and hello work again tomorrow.

not tolerance but respect

It's been almost two weeks since my last entry. Well, despite getting to work at 730am in the morning, I still almost always go home late. Well, it isn't actually by choice but it's just because most of the meetings with the volunteers usually occur in the later hours of the afternoon when they're freer. Oh well, probably step two would be to discourage them from meeting with me during the afternoon. Haha.

Today is my first actual offset for this year. And I've done a lot of things today (some work-related but negligible haha) and most of them are stuff I've wanted to do for so long. Well, sleep without worrying about waking up at 6am would be the first one. I finally downloaded the 11th episode of CSI:NY, went bowling with my cousin Pierre and got a haircut. I think I should really revive bowling as my stress release. Ansarap eh. Haha. If ever there's one hobby that's considered as a sport, bowling probably is the closest! Haha. Despite the almost one hour duration of the haircut, I love my new hair. Ngayon, mas fan na talaga ako ng short hair for myself because it's more manageable and I don't need to worry if ever I look such a hot mess. HOT MESS DAW! HAHA.

Past two days, there's been a lot of talk (and bashing?) about being gay. Well, from the last few years I've been aware and affected by such situation, I've learned that the real best thing to do ay huwag nang pumatol sa mga makikitid ang utak. I mean come on. Well I cannot speak for the whole gay community in the country pero ako for myself, I just want people to respect. I don't want to ask for tolerance 'cause it seems like I'm doing or being something offensive when I'm not. And before you try to opine, please please think about how people would feel. Yes, everyone's entitled to their own opinion but that doesn't mean you cannot be sensitive about things.

Andami ko pa actually gustong sabihin about this issue but I'd rather save it for another blog entry for I might not give justice to my case. Basta ang masasabi ko nalang, mula sa homily ng pari kanina, hindi makitid ang pananaw at pagmamahal ng Diyos. At hindi siya nanghuhusga lalo na sa mga tulad kong may "disorder" daw.

trust is a very deceiving word

Ako ang tipo ng tao na mahirap magtiwala kahit dapat nang magtiwala.

Pero ako rin ang tipo ng tao na mahirap mawalan ng tiwala sa mga pinagkakatiwalaan niya.

Kagulo.

Sana kaya kong magtiwala kapag kailangan na at sana kaya kong hindi na magtiwala kapag hindi na talaga.

martyrdom much?