Though my feelings about the work has slightly improved, I just don't think about it now. It's a jampacked last two weeks of March. I've got lots to do and lots to think about. No time to second guess for now. Focus and drown out this worthiness question, Tan.
The question is how long can you last like this? Or is the sun gonna shine brighter in the next few days?
Hopefully the R&R this weekend will help me with that. :p
18 March 2010
14 March 2010
it's not worth it anymore
Ubos na ako.
I think there's no better way to say how I feel than that. Usually, when I write my entries, I begin with the figurative but this one's an exception. This is just an outpour of emotions. Of how I currently feel especially with work. Mostly probably about working in Pathways as the damned EDU officer.
When I took on the job, I new it was really going to be beyond challenging. Isa nga iyon sa mga rason kung bakit ko piniling manatili sa organisasyong ito. More than the ego, it was the imminence of learning a lot more things on the job than being stuck in a most probably monotone corporate position. I held on to that belief and the love (cannot find a better term sorry) I had for the students and leaped into this rough waters of a job despite the little sacrifices I had to make.
Actually, they're not really that little. As Karen the Economics major would put it, the opportunity cost is quite high given that I have the management background. A corporate job that pays a little higher might not be that hard to find. There's also the subtle and sometimes not-so-subtle hints of my parents asking me to provide more for the family. I remember that December evening when they directly asked me to look for another job because of our family's financial outlook. I was on the verge of tears back then because I felt so helpless and vulnerable but I held them back. I remember the "WTH ARE YOU DOING?!" look relatives or family friends would have after I answer that I work with Pathways. Getting used to how they'd react, I often just answer the question briskly and hope that they won't have a follow-up question to it. In other words, such encounters have rendered me un-proud of what I do.
But I am proud of where I belong. I was actually. Working in an NGO has been more aligned with my values and beliefs. Despite the pressure of being in a more financially-rewarding environment, I stuck with Pathways because I believed that the rewards, despite mostly non-financial, make the work worthwhile. It has become my home for the past four years. A volunteer during the first three and a staff this past one. And it's really the friendships that have been formed with people, staff, volunteers and students alike, that make the work worthwhile. Despite the fact that I'm always drowning with work and virtually having no weekends and dayoffs, I lived through it because I felt it was all worthwhile.
But this past month has been different. Palagi na lang akong pagod at walang gana. I feel so unmotivated to work. Akala ko, simpleng tulog at pahinga lang ang katapat nito. Pero kahit magpahinga ako, wala pa rin. I feel so drained and empty. And given na hell month ang March para sa EDU, I have no idea how I'll escape this unscathed at best. Of course, motivation and feeling revitalized is another issue.
So now you're probably wondering why? Of course, I can't say na wala akong kasalanan sa feeling ko na ganito. The realization that I'm a high-maintenance person just dawned on me a week ago and that's partly to blame. I almost always need to be rewound like an energizer bunny to function properly. Minsan, maliit lang na failure, my world comes crashing down already. So malamang, nagcompound na rin iyong feeling na iyon. I feel like a failure with the past few failures I've encountered with the unit. Alam ko namang my events sucked big time, you didn't really need to sugarcoat it. But it's actually quite similar to the classic chicken-egg situation, I didn't know which came first, the feeling of being unmotivated or the events?
Sa usapan namin ni Ate Len last week, sinabi ko na isa sa natanto kong pinakarason ng damdaming ito at pinakanakakapagod na aspeto ng trabahong ito ang pagsalo sa mga taong nagkukulang o to put it bluntly na nga lang, sa mga taong pumalpak. Nakakapagod na lang kasi talaga na palagi na lang ako sumasalo sa kapalpakan ng ibang tao dahil lang sa katotohanang sakop ng programa ko ang hinahawakan nilang kapalpakan. That's so effing f*cked up. It's like working on your freeloader groupmate's paper part only a hundred times worse because it has become neverending and most of the time, on short notice nagaganap. Parang lagi na lang may pumapalpak talaga. At hindi lamang ito dahil sa simpleng pagkakamali, matatanggap ko pa iyon eh. Pero it seems deeper than that. And I honestly don't know where I went wrong and what else I could do. I mean, hindi ko naman hiningi that they do it beyond what they can do as individuals, I just asked and expected them to function properly. Was that too much to ask from individuals who are supposed to be college students and professionals? Honestly. This job has been difficult and it has become far, far more challenging because people have consistently disappointed me. Minsan, pwede bang makisama naman ang mga tao at gawin lang ang nararapat nilang gawin? To be fair though, I've disappointed myself sometimes din naman.
If there's one thing I learned, I sometimes trust people too much. It's probably one of the reasons why I sometimes get lax with them only to find out that they've failed my expectations. All this time, tingin ko naman kaya nila eh and I trust that they'll deliver. Pero sorry na lang pala sa akin at dapat hindi ako nagtiwala ng ganoong lebel dahil disappointment nga lang ang naidulot nito sa akin.
So now, this whole thing has left me empty. Probably nga a lethal product of burnout compounded with failure, disappointments and making up for others' failures. Wala na akong makitang rason why this job is worth all this stress and all the sacrifices I'm making. Seriously. The non-financial rewards haven't been quite stark recently and walang recent event ang nakabawi o nakabawas man lang sa nararamdaman ko. This enrichment grades fiasco last weekend even highlighted the struggle more. Why the fuck am I making myself go through all of these when I don't feel it's worth it anymore? Heck, I cannot even write a simple greeting for Fr. Ben's birthday tomorrow and talk about my Pathways experience since at this point in time, wala talaga akong masasabi. And honestly, I don't know how I'll feel that it's worth it anymore? You'll probably say that I need to look beyond these and see the people especially the students. Probably pero sa ngayon, wala talaga eh. Kahit mga students ko, even the batch of students I often call my batch, hindi sapat. Maybe it's really time to leave and move along. Of course, leave ng maayos at hindi iiwang nakatiwangwang ang mga bagay-bagay. Nakakakaba dahil malamang it would reflect badly on my career since I might be branded a quitter if ever that happens, pero I'm fooling myself with the quote that Karen told me. "True winners know when to quit." And feeling ko sa puntong ito, panahon na to throw in the towel.
But I know my ego won't allow me to quit. Not yet, not this soon. Also, I feel responsible for the people who'll be heading the volunteer groups this summer and next school year. Ayaw kong maranasan nila ang nararanasan ko ngayon. Ang sumalo sa gawain ng iba dahil lamang hindi nila ginawa ito. Siguro sila ang maaaring pagsimulan ng pagbabalik ng motivation at feeling na worthwhile ang ginagawa ko. Sana.
Pero sa ngayon, ubos na talaga ang feeling ko. Wala na akong maibubuga. It has become dreary to wake up and go to work thinking about what new damage I shall try to control today. Hindi na talaga nakakatuwa ang mga nangyayari at wala na rin akong lakas para magdamage control sa lahat ng mangyayari. Sa ngayon, tiis na lang talaga ang ginagawa ko and we all know how that's not so healthy. It seems mahirap na talagang ibalik ang dating motivation na meron ako.
Tama na please. Hindi na kasi siya worth it eh :c
I think there's no better way to say how I feel than that. Usually, when I write my entries, I begin with the figurative but this one's an exception. This is just an outpour of emotions. Of how I currently feel especially with work. Mostly probably about working in Pathways as the damned EDU officer.
When I took on the job, I new it was really going to be beyond challenging. Isa nga iyon sa mga rason kung bakit ko piniling manatili sa organisasyong ito. More than the ego, it was the imminence of learning a lot more things on the job than being stuck in a most probably monotone corporate position. I held on to that belief and the love (cannot find a better term sorry) I had for the students and leaped into this rough waters of a job despite the little sacrifices I had to make.
Actually, they're not really that little. As Karen the Economics major would put it, the opportunity cost is quite high given that I have the management background. A corporate job that pays a little higher might not be that hard to find. There's also the subtle and sometimes not-so-subtle hints of my parents asking me to provide more for the family. I remember that December evening when they directly asked me to look for another job because of our family's financial outlook. I was on the verge of tears back then because I felt so helpless and vulnerable but I held them back. I remember the "WTH ARE YOU DOING?!" look relatives or family friends would have after I answer that I work with Pathways. Getting used to how they'd react, I often just answer the question briskly and hope that they won't have a follow-up question to it. In other words, such encounters have rendered me un-proud of what I do.
But I am proud of where I belong. I was actually. Working in an NGO has been more aligned with my values and beliefs. Despite the pressure of being in a more financially-rewarding environment, I stuck with Pathways because I believed that the rewards, despite mostly non-financial, make the work worthwhile. It has become my home for the past four years. A volunteer during the first three and a staff this past one. And it's really the friendships that have been formed with people, staff, volunteers and students alike, that make the work worthwhile. Despite the fact that I'm always drowning with work and virtually having no weekends and dayoffs, I lived through it because I felt it was all worthwhile.
But this past month has been different. Palagi na lang akong pagod at walang gana. I feel so unmotivated to work. Akala ko, simpleng tulog at pahinga lang ang katapat nito. Pero kahit magpahinga ako, wala pa rin. I feel so drained and empty. And given na hell month ang March para sa EDU, I have no idea how I'll escape this unscathed at best. Of course, motivation and feeling revitalized is another issue.
So now you're probably wondering why? Of course, I can't say na wala akong kasalanan sa feeling ko na ganito. The realization that I'm a high-maintenance person just dawned on me a week ago and that's partly to blame. I almost always need to be rewound like an energizer bunny to function properly. Minsan, maliit lang na failure, my world comes crashing down already. So malamang, nagcompound na rin iyong feeling na iyon. I feel like a failure with the past few failures I've encountered with the unit. Alam ko namang my events sucked big time, you didn't really need to sugarcoat it. But it's actually quite similar to the classic chicken-egg situation, I didn't know which came first, the feeling of being unmotivated or the events?
Sa usapan namin ni Ate Len last week, sinabi ko na isa sa natanto kong pinakarason ng damdaming ito at pinakanakakapagod na aspeto ng trabahong ito ang pagsalo sa mga taong nagkukulang o to put it bluntly na nga lang, sa mga taong pumalpak. Nakakapagod na lang kasi talaga na palagi na lang ako sumasalo sa kapalpakan ng ibang tao dahil lang sa katotohanang sakop ng programa ko ang hinahawakan nilang kapalpakan. That's so effing f*cked up. It's like working on your freeloader groupmate's paper part only a hundred times worse because it has become neverending and most of the time, on short notice nagaganap. Parang lagi na lang may pumapalpak talaga. At hindi lamang ito dahil sa simpleng pagkakamali, matatanggap ko pa iyon eh. Pero it seems deeper than that. And I honestly don't know where I went wrong and what else I could do. I mean, hindi ko naman hiningi that they do it beyond what they can do as individuals, I just asked and expected them to function properly. Was that too much to ask from individuals who are supposed to be college students and professionals? Honestly. This job has been difficult and it has become far, far more challenging because people have consistently disappointed me. Minsan, pwede bang makisama naman ang mga tao at gawin lang ang nararapat nilang gawin? To be fair though, I've disappointed myself sometimes din naman.
If there's one thing I learned, I sometimes trust people too much. It's probably one of the reasons why I sometimes get lax with them only to find out that they've failed my expectations. All this time, tingin ko naman kaya nila eh and I trust that they'll deliver. Pero sorry na lang pala sa akin at dapat hindi ako nagtiwala ng ganoong lebel dahil disappointment nga lang ang naidulot nito sa akin.
So now, this whole thing has left me empty. Probably nga a lethal product of burnout compounded with failure, disappointments and making up for others' failures. Wala na akong makitang rason why this job is worth all this stress and all the sacrifices I'm making. Seriously. The non-financial rewards haven't been quite stark recently and walang recent event ang nakabawi o nakabawas man lang sa nararamdaman ko. This enrichment grades fiasco last weekend even highlighted the struggle more. Why the fuck am I making myself go through all of these when I don't feel it's worth it anymore? Heck, I cannot even write a simple greeting for Fr. Ben's birthday tomorrow and talk about my Pathways experience since at this point in time, wala talaga akong masasabi. And honestly, I don't know how I'll feel that it's worth it anymore? You'll probably say that I need to look beyond these and see the people especially the students. Probably pero sa ngayon, wala talaga eh. Kahit mga students ko, even the batch of students I often call my batch, hindi sapat. Maybe it's really time to leave and move along. Of course, leave ng maayos at hindi iiwang nakatiwangwang ang mga bagay-bagay. Nakakakaba dahil malamang it would reflect badly on my career since I might be branded a quitter if ever that happens, pero I'm fooling myself with the quote that Karen told me. "True winners know when to quit." And feeling ko sa puntong ito, panahon na to throw in the towel.
But I know my ego won't allow me to quit. Not yet, not this soon. Also, I feel responsible for the people who'll be heading the volunteer groups this summer and next school year. Ayaw kong maranasan nila ang nararanasan ko ngayon. Ang sumalo sa gawain ng iba dahil lamang hindi nila ginawa ito. Siguro sila ang maaaring pagsimulan ng pagbabalik ng motivation at feeling na worthwhile ang ginagawa ko. Sana.
Pero sa ngayon, ubos na talaga ang feeling ko. Wala na akong maibubuga. It has become dreary to wake up and go to work thinking about what new damage I shall try to control today. Hindi na talaga nakakatuwa ang mga nangyayari at wala na rin akong lakas para magdamage control sa lahat ng mangyayari. Sa ngayon, tiis na lang talaga ang ginagawa ko and we all know how that's not so healthy. It seems mahirap na talagang ibalik ang dating motivation na meron ako.
Tama na please. Hindi na kasi siya worth it eh :c
02 February 2010
forgive and forget as they say
One incident does not define a person but significant impressions do last.
Probably one of the reasons why it's so difficult for me trust or just even be close who have made an initial negative impression on me is the fact that I hardly get over it. I often dwell on these impressions that these people seldom stand a chance of having my trust. Couple that with me being so stubborn and we have the perfect person to not befriend via making bad impressions.
Thus, for me, a simple mistake could define a whole person. I know it seems wrong but I do have a hard time separating the whole from its parts. A whole isn't defined by a single part. But a part is part of a whole and a whole cannot be whole without all of its parts. Thus, all parts are vital to the wholeness of the whole. Thus, for me, a person's action can have leave a significant mark on my perception.
In Layman's terms, I need to practice separating a person from an action he or she has done in the past. People can change and if I see that he or she has changed, then I shouldn't dwell on that past rift between us. I should not see the action past. I need to see the person present.
In its simplest form, I need to unlearn dwelling on a single, most of the time negligible mistake and learn how to open myself up to every person who seems interested to be a part of my life. Hindi lahat ng tao interesadong sirain ang buhay mo. Ang espesyal mo naman, Tan! Haha
Forgive and forget as they say.
Probably one of the reasons why it's so difficult for me trust or just even be close who have made an initial negative impression on me is the fact that I hardly get over it. I often dwell on these impressions that these people seldom stand a chance of having my trust. Couple that with me being so stubborn and we have the perfect person to not befriend via making bad impressions.
Thus, for me, a simple mistake could define a whole person. I know it seems wrong but I do have a hard time separating the whole from its parts. A whole isn't defined by a single part. But a part is part of a whole and a whole cannot be whole without all of its parts. Thus, all parts are vital to the wholeness of the whole. Thus, for me, a person's action can have leave a significant mark on my perception.
In Layman's terms, I need to practice separating a person from an action he or she has done in the past. People can change and if I see that he or she has changed, then I shouldn't dwell on that past rift between us. I should not see the action past. I need to see the person present.
In its simplest form, I need to unlearn dwelling on a single, most of the time negligible mistake and learn how to open myself up to every person who seems interested to be a part of my life. Hindi lahat ng tao interesadong sirain ang buhay mo. Ang espesyal mo naman, Tan! Haha
Forgive and forget as they say.
30 January 2010
12 minutes to lalaland
Oh well, it's almost 1am and I'm still up. Probably one of the rarer moments nowadays that I'm awake past midnight. Most of the time, I'm already asleep by 10 or 11 pm as I have to wake up a little before/after 6 the following morning. I think I already adjusted my body clock but I still would want to be up so late sometimes since I'd want to catch up on things I've missed out on the past few days.
It's January 31. The last day of the first month. Grabe. 2010 is flying by just too fast. February na tomorrow. Valentine's in two weeks. Wala lang haha just saying. But yeah, time has really, really been too fast.
Sometimes, I just wonder how it feels like to have a normal weekend? Haha. Anyway, this is a trashy entry but would probably help me transition to lalaland.
A more decent entry coming later. promise. Night!
It's January 31. The last day of the first month. Grabe. 2010 is flying by just too fast. February na tomorrow. Valentine's in two weeks. Wala lang haha just saying. But yeah, time has really, really been too fast.
Sometimes, I just wonder how it feels like to have a normal weekend? Haha. Anyway, this is a trashy entry but would probably help me transition to lalaland.
A more decent entry coming later. promise. Night!
27 January 2010
self-induced awful bitter aftertaste
It's just almost 8am in the morning and I'm gearing up for work today. It's supposedly a hectic day but I find myself writing an entry at such an odd time. Well, maybe it's because I'm using this to prep myself up for the long day ahead. Don't you worry, this shall be quick, easy and painless. Haha.
Since my stash of yummy yogurt was already depleted, I went to the supermarket last night to buy some. Being the conservative yogurt person that I am, I instantly went for my two most favorite Nestle Fruit Selection flavors, Mixed Berry Medley and Buko Nata. But then, I spotted their creamy yogurt and got curious as to how it would taste. I've read in a website that yogurt without fruits is healthier in terms of sugar and fat content. And so I bought one to try the original one.
Like a toddler eager to unwrap his present, I instantly opened the yogurt the moment I got home. Lo and behold, it was too sour for my taste. And being creamy didn't even help a bit as I loathe the texture of the yogurt. I tried to save it by mixing some chocolate with it but the trick did not work. Thus, I only finished half of the cup. The worse thing though is that the taste of the yogurt lingered. I tried to drown the taste with chips, chocolate and milk but all didn't work. I actually wanted to vomit at some point because the taste was just too mcuh for me. Thankfully, I had the power to control myself. Till the time I went to sleep, I could still the putrid yogurt taste. Blech. Good thing when I woke up today, it was all gone.
Actually I only have myself to blame last night. Not because of buying yogurt but because of making the taste linger. I could alibi that it's savoring the taste but it's not. It's just really me making the putrid taste a little too long.
And of course, it got me thinking. It might be reflective of how I deal with melancholic experiences. I let them linger. Most of the time, a bit too much for my own good. Thus, no matter how much I drown them with chocolates and chips and all happy things, they all still leave an awful bitter aftertaste. Something I only have myself to blame.
Since my stash of yummy yogurt was already depleted, I went to the supermarket last night to buy some. Being the conservative yogurt person that I am, I instantly went for my two most favorite Nestle Fruit Selection flavors, Mixed Berry Medley and Buko Nata. But then, I spotted their creamy yogurt and got curious as to how it would taste. I've read in a website that yogurt without fruits is healthier in terms of sugar and fat content. And so I bought one to try the original one.
Like a toddler eager to unwrap his present, I instantly opened the yogurt the moment I got home. Lo and behold, it was too sour for my taste. And being creamy didn't even help a bit as I loathe the texture of the yogurt. I tried to save it by mixing some chocolate with it but the trick did not work. Thus, I only finished half of the cup. The worse thing though is that the taste of the yogurt lingered. I tried to drown the taste with chips, chocolate and milk but all didn't work. I actually wanted to vomit at some point because the taste was just too mcuh for me. Thankfully, I had the power to control myself. Till the time I went to sleep, I could still the putrid yogurt taste. Blech. Good thing when I woke up today, it was all gone.
Actually I only have myself to blame last night. Not because of buying yogurt but because of making the taste linger. I could alibi that it's savoring the taste but it's not. It's just really me making the putrid taste a little too long.
And of course, it got me thinking. It might be reflective of how I deal with melancholic experiences. I let them linger. Most of the time, a bit too much for my own good. Thus, no matter how much I drown them with chocolates and chips and all happy things, they all still leave an awful bitter aftertaste. Something I only have myself to blame.
26 January 2010
well baby they're tumbling down, hopefully.
One of the things I learned being a graduate of a Catholic university is dwelling on a passage during reflection. They say that you don't really need to read a lot to understand what God wants you for that day. You just have to dwell on a passage that strikes you. And strikes you oh so deep.
Today at mass, it didn't occur during the homily. It occurred during the final blessing at such a common adage. Well, to cut a long story short, it was the simple two word combination of "useless worrying."
Worrying is my cup of tea. My friend Andrew even described me as an eternal worrywart for my yearbook. Imagine that. Being described as someone who worries a lot can actually be worrysome. Haha. I guess this habit of mine of worrying a lot stems from the fact that I am a perfectionist of some sorts and that I don't want anything that would hinder me from achieving perfection. But of course, I'm much blessed a crammer thus creating such a unique and most of the time, harrowing experience. It's difficult to be a worrysome perfectionist and a hustler crammer at the same time. And I've almost died tons of times because of such combination.
But then those two words today could be the beginning of a change of perspective. Trusting in God that whatever happens is meant to happen (And God has saved my behind a lot of times He knows that) With the recent earthquake in Haiti, I've become more fearful of my life. Yet knowing that God always gets His way and that I'd always learn something for myself from such things makes me less worrysome and more trusting in Him and hopefully in other people.
A thought to close this entry. I think the past few entries, it's all been about trust. Four years later, i think I still haven't learned to really trust people especially with what happened to me. But just as I said, today may be the start of those walls I built to tumble down just as Beyonce's Halo would go.
If ever there's something I need, it's to trust more intelligently.
25 January 2010
adjusted weekend pros and cons
I'm supposed to be on offset tomorrow but still most of my day will be devoted to work-related matters. GAH. Work this coming week has piled up. Worse, most of those cannot really be postponed. Well, I just really need to focus this coming week so that I'll be able to handle and accomplish everything.
I've just lately realized that my week has really been screwed. Haha. Ever since I've become an NSTP volunteer FOUR years ago, my Saturdays have mostly been devoted to Pathways. That's why I can seldom go out on a Friday night and mostly too tired to go out on a Saturday night. It has been a routine I've become much adjusted to. Good thing though that now that I'm already a staff, I can offset my Mondays so that I'll still have two days of rest. Haha. Yay for a month's worth of offset hours!
But starting this week, I'd really have a day off for myself since it'll really help me. Despite the fact that my work week shall be crunched to four days (the fifth one is more of operations already) it's going to give me the rest I need to face the workload ahead. Meaning I need to train myself to focus when I need to focus. Haha.
Though I still have to practice drowning out every inch of work during my relax time since it does stress me. Instead of enjoying my break, I get panicky and worried over stuff I need to do. And sometimes, it makes me regret having this time for myself.
But I shouldn't because I deserve time for myself. It's okay to be selfish during times you should prioritize your own well-being, right?
I've just lately realized that my week has really been screwed. Haha. Ever since I've become an NSTP volunteer FOUR years ago, my Saturdays have mostly been devoted to Pathways. That's why I can seldom go out on a Friday night and mostly too tired to go out on a Saturday night. It has been a routine I've become much adjusted to. Good thing though that now that I'm already a staff, I can offset my Mondays so that I'll still have two days of rest. Haha. Yay for a month's worth of offset hours!
But starting this week, I'd really have a day off for myself since it'll really help me. Despite the fact that my work week shall be crunched to four days (the fifth one is more of operations already) it's going to give me the rest I need to face the workload ahead. Meaning I need to train myself to focus when I need to focus. Haha.
Though I still have to practice drowning out every inch of work during my relax time since it does stress me. Instead of enjoying my break, I get panicky and worried over stuff I need to do. And sometimes, it makes me regret having this time for myself.
But I shouldn't because I deserve time for myself. It's okay to be selfish during times you should prioritize your own well-being, right?
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