on jealousy

It's 3am in the morning and I'm wide awake. I've actually already slept but it's too hot to be comfortable sleeping now. And since I slept quite early last night, I missed the chance of writing an entry for the fourth consecutive day. Oh well, here I am now writing as I cool down myself from the deliberations I had a while ago. I'm not really that done yet but the files i need are in the office so I'll just wait for the sun to rise and head on to the office to hopefully finish my deliberations.

Yesterday, in between the awkwardness of being with a guy I only know as a friend of my friend and our crazy common friend who's a girl by the way, jealousy was discussed in passing. I think they were talking about their own special someones when guy told girl that his was similar with hers because they both get jealous because of the simplest things. Of course, the girl insisted that their special someones are different but the guy said they're similar because they get jealous over simple nothings. Their argument went on but the guy mentioned somewhere along the way that girls should feel flattered if their guy gets jealous because it means that they're really into them. The girl then blushed and I hated it. Haha.

It got me thinking about my own dose of jealousy. And I realized how pathetic I am being jealous over something I'm not supposed to get jealous of. Haha. I'm jealous of people I shouldn't be jealous about because there's really nothing there to be jealous about. Haha. Well, my insecurities over certain things in my life shine through because I crave for things that I'll probably never get. Oh well, I just need to come to terms with some of these insecurities and I shall be okay. I just hope that when the time comes that I'll have something or somebody to be jealous about, I won't be as petty as the two people mentioned above seem.

But of course, with how I am now, that seems so far from real.

this nameless, faceless game we play

Okay, blogging was supposed to be postponed for a little bit later but then I'm installing something for my new macbook and it seems that it's going to take a little while. Since I cannot waste time just surfing the net, here I am yapping yet again about life even though I've probably nobody who reads my blog. Haha.

Well, dito ko unang tatanungin kung ano ba ang magandang pangalan para sa aking bagong macbook, pito ang pangalang pinagpipilian ko (ganoon ako kalandi with names btw) haha Ganymede, Harbin, Magni, Titan or Zelig kapag lalaki or Cayenne or Zvezda kapag babae siya. Paano pa kaya kung totoong baby ang papangalanan ko, good luck. Haha. Of course, don't assume na baby ko ang pangangalanan ko dahil most probably hindi mangyayari iyon.

Stress release ko kanina ang pag-omegle. Omegle has been super fun to use lalo na ang simpleng panggagago sa mga "strangers." I know, I know, karma will be of catastrophic proportions for me. However, stress release eh. It's fun just playing and saying nonsense to people you randomly meet and you'll never meet again. Tulad nga ng kinagagalitan ni Caramel, anonymity makes you courageous enough to fool around and tell people how you really feel.

Of course, in this faceless conversation, you shouldn't really expect something productive or something brilliant to come out of it. Haha. Well, omegle is just there to seek a temporary respite from your own world and become a fool even for just a single conversation.

It really helps this contrived and supposedly prim and proper kid let loose once in a while. A time to be the gago he really is and play the pranks he dare not play on people. It should stop, I know 'cause it's quite harmful. But forgive me for enjoying it a little too much. I'll stop with it soon, promise.

But for now, let me play this nameless, faceless game that I'm playing and channel this inner kagaguhan in me into something quite more harmless.

Omegle now, anyone? (As if we'll be matched haha)

Second time this 2010 should be a charm

I told myself that i'll be sleeping at 10:30pm today but then I told myself yesterday that I'll be blogging regularly from now on. Haha. I think I'll just sneak in this quick entry before I call it a night. It has been quite a productive work night and I'm glad I've crossed off some things to do for work tomorrow as now I can breathe a little better. Haha.

Today is Easter Sunday. After Christmas, it's probably my most favorite time of the Catholic year since it stands for rebirth and a new life. Brighter days. Summer sunshine. Sunflower fields. Cool breezy day by the beach. The day just ushers this feeling of lightness and optimism and hope. Definitely hope. And as always, being the great begin-ner that I am, I'll probably start the week more right than before tomorrow. Waking up earlier than I usually do and being much more positive than I usually am. I've found myself to be like that. To greatly begin.

However, just like what I recently experienced this past start of the year, a month or even a week or two into this new regimen of mine, I seem to falter and return to my old self. And sometimes, even worse. I don't know, I think it's more of an issue of self-control rather than an issue of having sustainable and attainable goals. I know that I'm the go-getter type of person who just sometimes needs to control himself a little more because he gets easily distracted.

Maybe I'm still in this stage wherein I need external motivators to get me going with the tasks I need to do. Now, with the calendar program with my macbook and iphone, I find myself more motivated to face the challenges because I have an idea when they'll occur and I've got a plan on how to deal with them. Maybe then it's not just self-control but this innate inclination towards planning and structure in me that will keep me afloat in this new routine that I plan for myself. Thus, greatly begin with plans but follow through with self-control!

Hopefully, this new formula i have for myself will leave me sustaining the new routine I've planned out for myself. Here's to another go at being a rejuvenated person!

Lord, grant me endurance. Amen.

Obvious ba?

Hello dear reader,

Holy week has gone by oh so fast. It's already saturday and work shall be knocking at my door again come monday. Anyway, I'd forever remember this holy week 'cause it's the week i bought my new macbook. Haha. After much hullabaloo, I finally got one last Wednesday. Though I'm still in the process of adjusting to the mac, I find myself falling in love with it everyday that I use it. Kaya nga siguro ako napa-blog ngayon 'cause I feel like I'm Carrie Bradshaw in Sex and the City. Huwat?! Haha. Sana lang may letter sender ako so that I can answer questions about love. Love doctor daw? Haha. But anyway, if you do have any questions, just ask me in my formspring account. And I can answer you either through e-mail or whatever channel you want me to answer through.

I'm currently trying to finish reading a textbook. Wait, before you brand me as a nerd, I'm trying to read about Development Psychology in preparation for my dream Psychology masteral studies. It's a dream 'cause I ain't sure if I'm really going to be able to pursue it in the future. Well, I'm actually quite sure but I'm just not sure when I'll be having my masters abroad. Financial matters. Haha. If you know someone who can sponsor me, then please introduce me to him/her. I'm really very much willing to pursue graduate studies in psychology, preferably social psych. Then why be reading developmental psychology now? Well, per the psych people's advice, it's good to read about it first before moving on to social because the latter assumes that I know some concepts from development psychology.

Anyway, dev psych is an interesting read as psychology is in general. I'm learning much about how this painstaking process that is called growing up. And with dev psych, I can say that I could identify with most of the things that have been written in the book such as cognitive development, the awkward teenage years and my favorite, the adolescent identity crisis. I've only read till the adolescent stage though and I'm very much looking forward to the future chapters.

I wanted to talk about my own crises and the journey I took to arrive at who I am now but I'm saving that for my next blog entry. Haha. Medyo mahaba-haba atang usapan iyon. However, what I'd like to say here, para naman may sense kahit papaano itong entry na ito, is that, iba talaga ang perspective when you're actually going through it and once you've gotten past it. I mean yeah you might be screaming at the screen and saying, "Pakatanga mo naman, Tan! Too obvious!" but is it really that obvious? Well, something to think about kasi alam ko, when most of my friends have tried banging my head on the wall, the simple solution was never really that obvious.

At para sa'yo, sana maging obvious na ang solusyon na gusto namin para sa'yo. And no, this ain't for someone you might think is too obvious.

tiis factor

Though my feelings about the work has slightly improved, I just don't think about it now. It's a jampacked last two weeks of March. I've got lots to do and lots to think about. No time to second guess for now. Focus and drown out this worthiness question, Tan.

The question is how long can you last like this? Or is the sun gonna shine brighter in the next few days?

Hopefully the R&R this weekend will help me with that. :p

it's not worth it anymore

Ubos na ako.

I think there's no better way to say how I feel than that. Usually, when I write my entries, I begin with the figurative but this one's an exception. This is just an outpour of emotions. Of how I currently feel especially with work. Mostly probably about working in Pathways as the damned EDU officer.

When I took on the job, I new it was really going to be beyond challenging. Isa nga iyon sa mga rason kung bakit ko piniling manatili sa organisasyong ito. More than the ego, it was the imminence of learning a lot more things on the job than being stuck in a most probably monotone corporate position. I held on to that belief and the love (cannot find a better term sorry) I had for the students and leaped into this rough waters of a job despite the little sacrifices I had to make.

Actually, they're not really that little. As Karen the Economics major would put it, the opportunity cost is quite high given that I have the management background. A corporate job that pays a little higher might not be that hard to find. There's also the subtle and sometimes not-so-subtle hints of my parents asking me to provide more for the family. I remember that December evening when they directly asked me to look for another job because of our family's financial outlook. I was on the verge of tears back then because I felt so helpless and vulnerable but I held them back. I remember the "WTH ARE YOU DOING?!" look relatives or family friends would have after I answer that I work with Pathways. Getting used to how they'd react, I often just answer the question briskly and hope that they won't have a follow-up question to it. In other words, such encounters have rendered me un-proud of what I do.

But I am proud of where I belong. I was actually. Working in an NGO has been more aligned with my values and beliefs. Despite the pressure of being in a more financially-rewarding environment, I stuck with Pathways because I believed that the rewards, despite mostly non-financial, make the work worthwhile. It has become my home for the past four years. A volunteer during the first three and a staff this past one. And it's really the friendships that have been formed with people, staff, volunteers and students alike, that make the work worthwhile. Despite the fact that I'm always drowning with work and virtually having no weekends and dayoffs, I lived through it because I felt it was all worthwhile.

But this past month has been different. Palagi na lang akong pagod at walang gana. I feel so unmotivated to work. Akala ko, simpleng tulog at pahinga lang ang katapat nito. Pero kahit magpahinga ako, wala pa rin. I feel so drained and empty. And given na hell month ang March para sa EDU, I have no idea how I'll escape this unscathed at best. Of course, motivation and feeling revitalized is another issue.

So now you're probably wondering why? Of course, I can't say na wala akong kasalanan sa feeling ko na ganito. The realization that I'm a high-maintenance person just dawned on me a week ago and that's partly to blame. I almost always need to be rewound like an energizer bunny to function properly. Minsan, maliit lang na failure, my world comes crashing down already. So malamang, nagcompound na rin iyong feeling na iyon. I feel like a failure with the past few failures I've encountered with the unit. Alam ko namang my events sucked big time, you didn't really need to sugarcoat it. But it's actually quite similar to the classic chicken-egg situation, I didn't know which came first, the feeling of being unmotivated or the events?

Sa usapan namin ni Ate Len last week, sinabi ko na isa sa natanto kong pinakarason ng damdaming ito at pinakanakakapagod na aspeto ng trabahong ito ang pagsalo sa mga taong nagkukulang o to put it bluntly na nga lang, sa mga taong pumalpak. Nakakapagod na lang kasi talaga na palagi na lang ako sumasalo sa kapalpakan ng ibang tao dahil lang sa katotohanang sakop ng programa ko ang hinahawakan nilang kapalpakan. That's so effing f*cked up. It's like working on your freeloader groupmate's paper part only a hundred times worse because it has become neverending and most of the time, on short notice nagaganap. Parang lagi na lang may pumapalpak talaga. At hindi lamang ito dahil sa simpleng pagkakamali, matatanggap ko pa iyon eh. Pero it seems deeper than that. And I honestly don't know where I went wrong and what else I could do. I mean, hindi ko naman hiningi that they do it beyond what they can do as individuals, I just asked and expected them to function properly. Was that too much to ask from individuals who are supposed to be college students and professionals? Honestly. This job has been difficult and it has become far, far more challenging because people have consistently disappointed me. Minsan, pwede bang makisama naman ang mga tao at gawin lang ang nararapat nilang gawin? To be fair though, I've disappointed myself sometimes din naman.

If there's one thing I learned, I sometimes trust people too much. It's probably one of the reasons why I sometimes get lax with them only to find out that they've failed my expectations. All this time, tingin ko naman kaya nila eh and I trust that they'll deliver. Pero sorry na lang pala sa akin at dapat hindi ako nagtiwala ng ganoong lebel dahil disappointment nga lang ang naidulot nito sa akin.

So now, this whole thing has left me empty. Probably nga a lethal product of burnout compounded with failure, disappointments and making up for others' failures. Wala na akong makitang rason why this job is worth all this stress and all the sacrifices I'm making. Seriously. The non-financial rewards haven't been quite stark recently and walang recent event ang nakabawi o nakabawas man lang sa nararamdaman ko. This enrichment grades fiasco last weekend even highlighted the struggle more. Why the fuck am I making myself go through all of these when I don't feel it's worth it anymore? Heck, I cannot even write a simple greeting for Fr. Ben's birthday tomorrow and talk about my Pathways experience since at this point in time, wala talaga akong masasabi. And honestly, I don't know how I'll feel that it's worth it anymore? You'll probably say that I need to look beyond these and see the people especially the students. Probably pero sa ngayon, wala talaga eh. Kahit mga students ko, even the batch of students I often call my batch, hindi sapat. Maybe it's really time to leave and move along. Of course, leave ng maayos at hindi iiwang nakatiwangwang ang mga bagay-bagay. Nakakakaba dahil malamang it would reflect badly on my career since I might be branded a quitter if ever that happens, pero I'm fooling myself with the quote that Karen told me. "True winners know when to quit." And feeling ko sa puntong ito, panahon na to throw in the towel.

But I know my ego won't allow me to quit. Not yet, not this soon. Also, I feel responsible for the people who'll be heading the volunteer groups this summer and next school year. Ayaw kong maranasan nila ang nararanasan ko ngayon. Ang sumalo sa gawain ng iba dahil lamang hindi nila ginawa ito. Siguro sila ang maaaring pagsimulan ng pagbabalik ng motivation at feeling na worthwhile ang ginagawa ko. Sana.

Pero sa ngayon, ubos na talaga ang feeling ko. Wala na akong maibubuga. It has become dreary to wake up and go to work thinking about what new damage I shall try to control today. Hindi na talaga nakakatuwa ang mga nangyayari at wala na rin akong lakas para magdamage control sa lahat ng mangyayari. Sa ngayon, tiis na lang talaga ang ginagawa ko and we all know how that's not so healthy. It seems mahirap na talagang ibalik ang dating motivation na meron ako.

Tama na please. Hindi na kasi siya worth it eh :c

forgive and forget as they say

One incident does not define a person but significant impressions do last.

Probably one of the reasons why it's so difficult for me trust or just even be close who have made an initial negative impression on me is the fact that I hardly get over it. I often dwell on these impressions that these people seldom stand a chance of having my trust. Couple that with me being so stubborn and we have the perfect person to not befriend via making bad impressions.

Thus, for me, a simple mistake could define a whole person. I know it seems wrong but I do have a hard time separating the whole from its parts. A whole isn't defined by a single part. But a part is part of a whole and a whole cannot be whole without all of its parts. Thus, all parts are vital to the wholeness of the whole. Thus, for me, a person's action can have leave a significant mark on my perception.

In Layman's terms, I need to practice separating a person from an action he or she has done in the past. People can change and if I see that he or she has changed, then I shouldn't dwell on that past rift between us. I should not see the action past. I need to see the person present.

In its simplest form, I need to unlearn dwelling on a single, most of the time negligible mistake and learn how to open myself up to every person who seems interested to be a part of my life. Hindi lahat ng tao interesadong sirain ang buhay mo. Ang espesyal mo naman, Tan! Haha

Forgive and forget as they say.