Happily ever before/after

Quick exercise: If your friend gave you a half-dozen box of assorted donuts and assuming you’d have to eat all of them some time in the future, would you eat those you like the most first or save them for later? Hold on to that answer first.

While preparing to go to Ralf’s dinner three weeks ago (yes, another delayed entry as usual), I briefly and anonymously shared a tale with Joy, one of our junior college participants, about another participant’s dilemma with work and play. Irrelevant conversations aside, I’ll skip to the portion where I told her of the cake analogy I used so that the seemingly troubled participant shall understand me better.

I told the participant to liken his work attitude to eating a cake. Does he eat the portion of the cake that he likes first or does he save it for later? I shared that I usually eat the bread first and save some icing for later because I am a self-confessed sweet tooth. I told the participant that likening it to work, s/he could do all tasks s/he found uninteresting or difficult first and save the more interesting and easier ones for later. The participant thankfully agreed and hopefully, s/he’s applying the things he learn from a conversation involving cake and icing.

After the sharing, Joy asked me if I believe in happily ever after to which I hesitantly said yes. Sharing what she learned in one of her psychology classes, she said that judging by my analogy, I was the person who fell into the category of those who believe in happy endings and happily ever afters. After much reflection, I completely agreed with her on this. I do indeed believe that enduring through all the difficult and uninteresting leads me to the easier, more interesting and happier ending that I dream of.

And so my dear reader, going back to the initial exercise. If you chose to save the donuts you like for later, you’re just like me, the individual who often believes and falls for happy endings. However, if you chose to eat the donuts you like before, then you’re the happily ever before kind of person. One who wants to face those s/he enjoy first before those s/he finds uninteresting.

At this point, I’d like to make it clear that neither is really better than the other. The point of this entry is not to dichotomize the two seemingly contradicting types. It’s just an ounce of help for us to become more fully aware of who we are.

From this little exercise, we could see how our actions, no matter how trivial or little they are, reveal a great deal about who we are as individuals. Our true selves reveal even in the littlest of ways and we should be aware and sensitive of these things as much as we can.

For even the smallest of actions play a role in discovering and understanding who we truly are, the kind of happy ending everyone is looking forward to.

The Ideal Real

After a long while, I watched in the cinema once again. Since I don’t want to spoil the movie, I’ll be as anonymous as possible in discussing the details of the movie I’d want to share.

One of the issues that the lead male had throughout the movie was that everything that happened to him never was part of his plans. His vision was based on the universal. Enjoy singlehood, find a partner, marry her, have children and live happily ever after. However, all of these didn’t occur to him in the sequence he expected. It became the source of his frustration which almost deprived him of the ultimate, happily ever after. Since it was the movies, he soon realized how everything still worked out and pursued the happily ever after that was meant for him all along.

Since we were young, we’ve always been intoxicated with the ideal. We grow up with our hopes and dreams pinned on images of our ideal lives. The ideal family, ideal friends, ideal partner, ideal marriage, ideal children, ideal life.

However, when events go out of hand and our ideal begins to crumble, we sulk and feel that our life isn’t worth living. It’s as if failure of our idea of an ideal life equates to failure of our real lives.

Reality check, honey, life isn’t about living the ideal. It’s about living what’s real. Of course, pursuing an ideal life does us no harm since it gives us an image of what we want to aspire for. The terrifying thing is when we forget that we’re living in our real world and not in our ideal world and refuse the life that has been granted us. Thus, we feel disappointed or worse, cheated, when something happens which is contrary to our concept of an ideal life.

We should just trust in a higher being that our life is the life we are meant to live. That each second we live was lived by how exactly we were meant to live it. No matter how painful or gleeful our life is, we belong right where we are in our lives right now. The real is the ideal for us at this point of our lives. Or at any point for that matter.

Seeing the real as the ideal deal might let us settle for whatever comes our way since we’re bound to treat even the worst as ideal. Of course, it’s a pitfall that we have to avoid. If you recall from my previous entry Strive and/or Settle, we should settle for things we deserve and not just anything that comes our way.

Think of it this way. Rather why make the real deal ideal for me, why not think make the ideal deal real for me. It’s having the guts to pursue the ideal but still having a grasp of reality. Though most of the time you would probably wonder how the heck am I living an ideal life here, trust that every action and every word of every second leads you to live that ideal life you have always dreamed of. Just like in the film, even though it did not initially make sense, he still got what he dreamed about in the end. And hopefully, when we look at our bigger picture, we would see the beauty that has been made out of our seemingly chaotic life.

Most probably this entry has left you rather confounded than enlightened. I apologize for writing such entries without giving much thought. Haha. But if ever there’s one thing you should remember, it’s this: Make every real thing ideal and live your ideal every second of your life.

Who wants to get stripped?

I got the chance to talk to a friend I haven’t connected with in a long while two nights ago. She’s currently facing a dilemma about her future. She’s presently not sure what direction life is taking her. After triumphing through several challenges, she’s now unsure whether she should continue with the way she’s living her life now. This comes at a rather ironic time since all external factors contradicting her supposed preference have now mellowed. Here it’s become evident that as with other and probably more difficult points in life we have, it’s hardest when we only have ourselves to contend with.

Why is this the case? Most probably because we only have ourselves to blame for the outcome of the situation. We cannot handily pin our mistakes on external factors since we made the decision based on how we thought and felt at the moment. Of course, we can try but at the end of the day, it was a decision you made. And only your being could influence your decision at such time.

Since we only face and ask ourselves in such situations, we really dig deep into our core and explore what we really want for ourselves. Since you’re that unfamiliar with such situation, you know how difficult it is to know what you want and set yourself in a corresponding direction.

Meeting our own selves head-on sure sounds a pretty scary endeavor especially when making crucial decisions in our lives. However, we won’t be able to learn about ourselves and the direction we’d take if we don’t confront our true selves. We should actually be thankful for moments where we only have ourselves to rely on for such decisions because they serve as opportunities for us to have a glimpse and the person we’re meant to become.

Only when everything that is not us have been stripped from us and we only have ourselves do we see who we really are and who we can become.

So have you stripped to bare yourself lately?

10

I miss my gal pals Eloisa and Karen. Well, I miss Karen a little more since I still get to hang out with Eloisa especially when she visits me in the office so that she’d have someone to walk home with. Actually, I hope the situation kind of reverses since I’d rather spend more time with Karen than Eloisa. Haha. Peace Eloisagurl.

Aside from talking nonsense, eating fastfood and joking about each other, one of our other pastimes is to rate guys in terms of their likeability with 10 as ZOMG SUPER WIN! and 1 as ULTIMATE FML. Being the generous individuals that we are, nobody really got an easy 10. Given our prime standards, the highest they’d often get is a 9. Of course, we’d want to distinguish ourselves from one of our friends whom we tease the “kwatro kid.” Go figure!

Anyway, I was watching She’s Out of My League last Sunday and encountered this rating game of ours. Without spilling much information, the idea I got from the movie was how not seeing yourself as a ten influences you to think that you cannot be matched with people you deem a nine or even a perfect ten. Sometimes, we often meet that seemingly perfect guy or girl, the one you’d always dreamed about, only to let them slip away without even trying because we think we’re just a five or worse, a one.

But is anybody really a one? Probably those individuals who believe they are ones. They deserve it for such low self-esteem they have.

All I’m trying to say here is that we’re all perfect 10’s in our own unique way. Of course, that probably contradicts the supposed societal standards of beauty but the hell do we care about that. All I know is that as long as you believe that you’re a beautiful, perfect 10, then it’s the first step towards meeting the your perfect 10 partner. Definitely, being a 10 involves inner beauty as well. How can you be a 10 when your attitude is a negative?

So my dear reader, the next time you’d rate yourself low, always remember that everything starts with appreciating the beauty that has been bestowed on you. You may not be a 10 in the eyes of others but nobody would start seeing your being a 10 if you don’t see yourself as one to begin with.

I’m tall, uncoordinated, out-of-shape, and probably not a looker, but I believe I’m a 10 and I’m going to get you one of these days.

You all don't understand me! --> Really now?

After being away last week for work, I can now update this blog. However, since November seems even busier than October, I think this entry shall be one of the few ones I’ll be writing in the next month or so. Hopefully, I can sneak in some more entries so you’d still be updated on how I’ll be doing in the next month or so.

In between switching channels a few weeks ago, I had the chance to catch a glimpse of the current state of Filipino telenovelas. They have been a staple in our household ever since I was young. From Mexican to Filipino to Korean to Filipino again, all of them have somewhat influenced my being overtly dramatic at times. Haha. Anyway, I guess rehashing the classics is quite the norm nowadays. It started with Filipinizing foreign telenovelas with Marimar, Rosalinda and Endless Love to name a few. Now, they’re doing Mara Clara again. Hmm, is this really going to be the trend in telenovelas for the coming years?

Moving on, one of the biggest troubles of the lead characters is their ability to not listen to advice. Often, we’d hear the line “Hindi ninyo ako naiintindihan!” (You all don’t understand me!) whenever s/he finds herself/himself spiraling towards catastrophe and the good guys give her/him advice for support. And of course, the supposed hero follows the beat of her/his heart only to be broken at the hands of the villain or by fate. If they have only listened, then so many times the solution would have come easier and the telenovela close earlier. But of course, ratings play a part in dictating the tempo of the show as well.

Remember the times when you’ve felt that nobody would understand how you were feeling at the moment. Did you seek for advice and listened to that advice? Or did you just brush your friends aside and went ahead without even considering what they told you? For all the moments you did not listen a bit, please hit yourself on the head and ask yourself what the hell you were thinking that you could make it on your own without your friends’ advice?

If there’s one thing I learned from my year in depression, it’s to listen to the advice of my friends especially in the occasions they make the most sense. Emotions often cloud our judgment especially during times of distress and depression. We’d often feel that nobody would understand how we’d feel so nobody would know how to best deal with the situation. Such feeling often comes from the fact that we view our problems as an experience unique only to us. Thus, it builds on us having this illusion of being able to carry the load alone only to falter and distress ourselves even further after.

What I’m probably saying here is that it’s okay to seek help and listen in times when you really need some. We aren’t programmed to conquer every problem that we encounter on our own. We should lower our pride and accept the fact that most of the time, we need the advice and help of others to best deal with the situation we are currently facing. It doesn’t mean we’re weak. Matter of fact, it means we are strong and smart because we know that we need others to resolve some of our own issues.

Thus, the next time you feel that nobody understands your predicament, lower your guard and listen to a friend’s sensible advice. Even though they’ll probably never fully understand what you’re going through, at least they’ll be able to provide you with a differing perspective which may lead us to think even better. Heck, sometimes, listening to them is all we ever need to knock some sense into our selves and solve the situation at hand.

As a line from my LSS for PVolt Planning and Evaluation Seminar goes, “We all need somebody to lean on.”

Apologies to the Burt Hummel of Glee's Theatricality Episode

Remember the last time you met someone new. Did you form immediate impressions of him/her? Did you try to associate him/her with a character such as a nerd, jock, ditz or geek? If not, most probably you have done so in the past right?

If you’ve said yes at even one of those three questions then you’ve just exhibited immediate categorization of other people. Hold your thought of it being an evil thing. I guess it’s something common to us since who wants uncertainty anyway? We’d always want to simplify the world and make it more understandable for us so we’d know how to act around individuals. Governed by our perceptions of others, we know who we’d most probably click with, who we’ll never going to be friends with and who we can fall in love with.

But sometimes, these supposedly pre-programmed commands hinder and hurt us from really knowing the individuals that we meet. Since we think of them as a certain kind of character, we expect them just to be like that character and not who they really are. Thus, even though they exhibit something beyond our perceived character for them, we always lead them back to our perception and reason out such action as still an expression of the character or deem it as an exceptional case.

Think of a teacher whose first impression of you in his/her class is that you’re mediocre given your first few scores. Even if you perfect the remaining tests and exams, it’ll already be difficult to change his/her perception of you as being mediocre. It’s probably doubly difficult for you to impress him compared with doing quite well early in the class. He or she will just find easy excuses for the excellence you demonstrated.

Of course, this works the other way around. Think of a parent whose son or daughter has been very obedient and loving as a child. If ever, he or she rebels in the future, the parent shall have a difficult time understanding such situation because of his/her perception of his/her child when he or she was young. Thus, no matter how grave the wrongdoing is, the parent shall either blame it on people or things other than his or her child or just shrug it off as an exception.

You might be thinking how could we possibly avoid such case when we already have cemented perceptions of other people. I say openness and understanding. Being open to others, seeing them as they are not being limited to our cookie-cutter impression of them and understanding where they are coming from shall hopefully help us know them act appropriately towards them.

Before I close, I’d like to share a line I remember (credits to IMDB for helping me on this one) from one of Glee’s most intense scenes where Burt Hummel scolds Finn for inappropriate language: “Yeah, that's because you're 16 and you still assume the best in people. You live a few years, you start seeing the hate in people's hearts. Even the best people.”

Most of the time, we commit this crime of judging and perceiving people based on our cookie-cutter impressions. Add in our oft perception of the world as an evil place and we get a pessimistic and sometimes exaggerated view of others. We become handicapped by our own views and see them as the label we have for them and not the human being that they are.

Thus, and sorry Burt Hummel for this, but I’d like to say that we should always assume the best in people. See them as people capable of doing the good and doing the best and hopefully it shall become a self-fulfilling prophecy of them becoming what you expect them to be.

It might be difficult given what we’re used to but believing in the best of people is a start to a change that shall hopefully influence more to assume the best in others.

I know you can, I believe in you!

In others' flip-flops

As much as I want this blog to talk less about myself, I’ve stringed a couple of entries which so reek of indulgence. And so here I write one more. Haha.

We had our usual bi-monthly Fazoli’s Eastwood lunch last Sunday. Mom, Zen, my brother, Jimbo, my cousin, and I had pizza and pasta at what seems to becoming a favorite Eastwood spot among the Alcantara clan. After finishing my third slice of pizza, I felt something pop between my big and second toes.

Initially, I thought it was just the foot of either of the youngins hitting my left foot. But I was wrong. The thong (yes, that’s what the Apple dictionary calls it) of my left flip-flops snapped! I was in immediate panic because I didn’t know how I’d be able to roam around Eastwood. I thought I’d be stuck at the second floor of Fazoli’s for quite the whole afternoon. Memories of me walking along the road, holding my left muddied flip-flops in my left hand, semi-barefoot and muddied at the Ateneo bonfire two years ago flooded in. Another flip-flop emergency seemed well on its way.

Of course, after a few seconds of panic and exaggeration, common sense came in to save the day. Whilst borrowing Zen’s flip-flops, we went to the mall and bought a new pair from Bench. I settled for the pair from Bench because 1) it’s just temporary and 2) though I consider flip-flops as my luxury item, I still have numerous barely used ones at home.

Dear reader, what would you have felt or done if you were the one whose left flip-flop thong got snapped? In short, what would you have felt or done if you were in my shoes? Or if you were in my flip-flops would be more appropriate I suppose.

Most would probably answer such question quickly while others would probably think about it even more. However, the more important question would probably be: Are you capable of listening to and understanding others’ feelings? Could you empathize with other people?

I ended my nerdy/beautiful entry not only by celebrating everyone’s beauty but also asking everyone to appreciate each other’s beauty as well. Here, I go beyond such statement by encouraging everyone to become aware of their ability to put themselves in other people’s shoes, understand and even share how they feel. It might seem difficult at first since it requires us to view in another person’s perspective. Perhaps even a perspective that contradicts our very own.

However, just even understanding how other people feel would help us have a better idea of how to support and understand them especially through conflicted times. Understanding how they feel helps us understand how to deal with them best. Creating mutual resolutions seems a lot easier when you understand where the other party is coming from.

Sharing their feelings also provides us a glimpse of how similar we are with them. Discovering similar sentiments and experiences helps us form deeper bonds with other people. In a way, it helps us connect with each other through feelings that are common to all human beings, of which we all are part. And through these bonds, we have a better idea of dealing with not only with the person you’ve empathized with but also with other people who may share the same feelings. Hopefully, it somehow becomes easier with experience.

Appreciate other people. Listen to and share how they think and feel. Put yourself in their shoes (or flip-flops) and take a step towards make the world a much more caring and understanding place.

This itch to be unique

Last week, I had my final follow-up consultation in the clinic. After almost a month of having tests done and going back and forth the Cainta area, it has finally been settled that my shoulder pain is myofascial in nature. Thus, as I have previously mentioned, I need to strengthen my upper back and take pain relievers and muscle relaxants for the pain to subside.

Being almost physically normal was surely a surprise for me. I really thought that I had some serious health problem given how easily I tire and how much I crave for precious sleep. I expected and anticipated the worst only to find out that I am almost perfectly healthy save for the shoulder pain I have. I thought that I was already experiencing something abnormal when all along, I wasn’t. I thought I was already different and that I could get away with being different but I was wrong.

Sometimes, we think about how different and unique and often exaggerate them as means of separating ourselves from the rest. Or inflating our ego.

Let’s face it. Normal is boring. And normal won’t get you any attention. That’s why we have to differentiate ourselves and stand out from the rest. Oftentimes, this knack to be unique often leads us to concoct any novel or unique aspect in our lives so that we won’t look as normal or ordinary as other people. And sometimes, we go overboard and these lies eventually hurt others and ourselves.

I think what we should remember here is that we’re already very unique in our own little ways. We don’t need to exaggerate the obvious. If it’s something unique and beautiful, then it’ll just reveal itself to others on its own without us forcing it out.

Such affinity for making oneself stand out also demonstrates a lack of self-belief. It’s as if we need to compare ourselves with others in order to feel good. When in reality, those who are really good know that they don’t have to prove anything because their skills and talents speak for themselves.

I’m not saying that we should not highlight our uniqueness. We deserve to feel good about ourselves. We should just moderate it and focus on letting our own brilliance and uniqueness shine through.

Let your actions do the talking.

Not all dots are meant to be connected

Quick exercise: What is the connection between the following: Glee (TV Show), global warming and a typewriter. Yes, there is an answer to this.

By now, you would have probably come close or even come up with your own outrageous idea to fulfill the exercise above. In reality, the answer is simply none.

Social psychologists call it illusory correlation. We tend to conceive a relation when there is none. How can you make of something when there is none, right?

Remember the good old “singing with a terrible voice made the rain fall hard” or the “I’m wearing my lucky shirt that’s why I passed the exam” thoughts? You know they aren’t really that logical or even true yet we tend to believe and go by them. Yeah, I know you’re probably guilty of it in your own little way.

But don’t bang your head over this little trick. Our minds have been trained early on to make sense of things. With our training in math and logic, we’ve always been asked to see how things are related or how one falls into place in the greater scheme of things. The connect-the-dots game which may be mere toddler’s play is a classic ploy of the assuming mind. Connecting the dots and in the process, making something out of supposedly randomly scattered dots, trains our young minds to deduce relationships.

When taking exams, don’t you find it hard to encircle the multiple choice none of the above as well? We are more inclined to think and force a relationship rather than accept that there is really none. None of the above doesn’t always seem logical for answers right?

In this training of analyzing and inferring relationships, it has rubbed off in perceiving even the most minute of details in our own daily encounters. Remember those messages or even one-liners you’d gush over because you think it meant a lot only to find out it didn’t mean a thing? And your life seems as scattered as those dots you’d played with when you were young?

That’s why some people end up in the worst of situations, they connect the dots too much.

Sometimes, dots are just dots. Not meant to be connected but to be left alone and admired for what they are. Relationship-less.

Some things are meant to happen for no reason at all. They just happened period. We shouldn’t waste our time trying to figure out or fit it in our lives because we might miss out on other dots which are definitely meant to be connected.

Nerdy/Beautiful

One of my recent dreams is to gain a Ph.D. in Social Psychology abroad. However, I needed to shelve it temporarily since I need to help out with my family’s expenses first. Anyway, as preparation for that supposed dream, I have already read two psychology books on my own. While I don’t regret at all being a management major for my undergraduate, my INFJ-induced fascination in Psychology has only left me a frustrated psychologist. And thus, the nerdy feat of reading two books on my own. Take note, they are both college textbooks.

However, the most nerd bit about this is that I made an 82-page word document for my social psychology notes. If you know how much I loathe taking notes, you’d know that the document I built is certainly a feat. I mean I’ve never even attempted to labor through all of the chapters of my previous college textbooks. But, for the love and frustration that is social psychology, I did. And I’m proud of myself for doing so. Way to go, dork! Haha.

Though it is a damn textbook, the beauty of reading social psychology is that it somehow doubles as a self-help introduction to the social world. Being a collection of findings on how this species called human beings interact, I had several “that’s why I/you/s/he/they was/were like that” moments! And as one of the first few concepts in the book reveals, everything is clearer in hindsight. (By now, you’d probably say that such statement is too obvious but was it really obvious to you all along or it just became clearer with hindsight?)

Of course, you have to read through the whole book to understand some of the concepts which I’m sure you’ll enjoy reading. I personally liked the chapters on Attraction (I wonder why?) and Persuasion since the former is a giveaway and the latter is something I need to work on especially if I plan to enter the world of Marketing.

Before I go on and on about what I have learned from reading the book, I’d just tell you one of the most striking things I’ve learned from my almost three months bout with the book.

To each her/his own.

Everyone has a right to be who s/he wants to be because it’s her/his life. Nobody has any right to judge anyone just because they’re different or they made a mistake. In a world where monotony and blandness is frowned upon, who wants to be ordinary, anyway? Also, we have flaws and we commit mistakes but those are the things that make us human, right? Let the sinless wonder cast the first stone on those who have made a mistake.

Though we may not please some people because of who we are then boo-hoo to them for not seeing the beauty in you. We should always remember that we are all beautiful individuals in our own unique way.

The world would be a much duller place if we don’t reveal our truest most beautiful selves. And it’ll only be beautiful if we all live out who we really are.

If you want to be truly beautiful, express yourself but appreciate others expressing themselves as well!

So what's the point?

After a week of hiatus, I’m back, dear reader. I was on the verge of having sore eyes last Monday and needed some time to rest for the remainder of the week. I’m still quite sick though with cough and colds but I’m better and I could blink painlessly right now.

The ADMU Blue Eagles are three-peat basketball champions! Woot! I planned to watch but the eye infection got in the way so I just stayed in the office, watched and cheered crazily with Ate Donna and Steph. Jumping and cheering definitely looks a lot less bonkers when you’re in a crowd in Araneta than being in an office’s pantry. But the heck did we care, we won!

Because I still wanted to be a part of the festivities somehow given that I’ve been in Araneta both times Ateneo won the past two years, I decided to go to the thanksgiving mass at the Gesu. The perks of working inside the campus. Haha. Even though I did not spot any friend I can spend the mass with, I still stayed to join the community thank God for the blessings He has showered the Ateneo teams this past year.

And thank God I did. I even remember telling myself how grateful I am just to have a God to believe in at some point in the mass. It was quite overwhelming to take in the fact that somewhere, somehow, a greater someone makes sense of everything that we go through in our lives.

It might not make sense at this moment how I got that out of the mass but that’s exactly my point. Sometimes, what we realize from our experiences don’t necessarily follow what we have experienced. Or they don’t have any connection at all! We just have to be grateful of the experience and harness what we have learned since it worked out exactly how a greater being planned it to elicit such realization. That somehow things make sense no matter how unclear or senseless they currently appear to be. But of course, in the greater scheme of things, it does make sense and we’ll only get to appreciate it in God’s time. Thank God!

Even writing this entry has somehow proven what I have just said. I had no idea how this realization come up since I was only to share how blessed I felt to have a God. But I did and probably soon enough, this will all make sense to me.