Though my feelings about the work has slightly improved, I just don't think about it now. It's a jampacked last two weeks of March. I've got lots to do and lots to think about. No time to second guess for now. Focus and drown out this worthiness question, Tan.
The question is how long can you last like this? Or is the sun gonna shine brighter in the next few days?
Hopefully the R&R this weekend will help me with that. :p
18 March 2010
14 March 2010
it's not worth it anymore
Ubos na ako.
I think there's no better way to say how I feel than that. Usually, when I write my entries, I begin with the figurative but this one's an exception. This is just an outpour of emotions. Of how I currently feel especially with work. Mostly probably about working in Pathways as the damned EDU officer.
When I took on the job, I new it was really going to be beyond challenging. Isa nga iyon sa mga rason kung bakit ko piniling manatili sa organisasyong ito. More than the ego, it was the imminence of learning a lot more things on the job than being stuck in a most probably monotone corporate position. I held on to that belief and the love (cannot find a better term sorry) I had for the students and leaped into this rough waters of a job despite the little sacrifices I had to make.
Actually, they're not really that little. As Karen the Economics major would put it, the opportunity cost is quite high given that I have the management background. A corporate job that pays a little higher might not be that hard to find. There's also the subtle and sometimes not-so-subtle hints of my parents asking me to provide more for the family. I remember that December evening when they directly asked me to look for another job because of our family's financial outlook. I was on the verge of tears back then because I felt so helpless and vulnerable but I held them back. I remember the "WTH ARE YOU DOING?!" look relatives or family friends would have after I answer that I work with Pathways. Getting used to how they'd react, I often just answer the question briskly and hope that they won't have a follow-up question to it. In other words, such encounters have rendered me un-proud of what I do.
But I am proud of where I belong. I was actually. Working in an NGO has been more aligned with my values and beliefs. Despite the pressure of being in a more financially-rewarding environment, I stuck with Pathways because I believed that the rewards, despite mostly non-financial, make the work worthwhile. It has become my home for the past four years. A volunteer during the first three and a staff this past one. And it's really the friendships that have been formed with people, staff, volunteers and students alike, that make the work worthwhile. Despite the fact that I'm always drowning with work and virtually having no weekends and dayoffs, I lived through it because I felt it was all worthwhile.
But this past month has been different. Palagi na lang akong pagod at walang gana. I feel so unmotivated to work. Akala ko, simpleng tulog at pahinga lang ang katapat nito. Pero kahit magpahinga ako, wala pa rin. I feel so drained and empty. And given na hell month ang March para sa EDU, I have no idea how I'll escape this unscathed at best. Of course, motivation and feeling revitalized is another issue.
So now you're probably wondering why? Of course, I can't say na wala akong kasalanan sa feeling ko na ganito. The realization that I'm a high-maintenance person just dawned on me a week ago and that's partly to blame. I almost always need to be rewound like an energizer bunny to function properly. Minsan, maliit lang na failure, my world comes crashing down already. So malamang, nagcompound na rin iyong feeling na iyon. I feel like a failure with the past few failures I've encountered with the unit. Alam ko namang my events sucked big time, you didn't really need to sugarcoat it. But it's actually quite similar to the classic chicken-egg situation, I didn't know which came first, the feeling of being unmotivated or the events?
Sa usapan namin ni Ate Len last week, sinabi ko na isa sa natanto kong pinakarason ng damdaming ito at pinakanakakapagod na aspeto ng trabahong ito ang pagsalo sa mga taong nagkukulang o to put it bluntly na nga lang, sa mga taong pumalpak. Nakakapagod na lang kasi talaga na palagi na lang ako sumasalo sa kapalpakan ng ibang tao dahil lang sa katotohanang sakop ng programa ko ang hinahawakan nilang kapalpakan. That's so effing f*cked up. It's like working on your freeloader groupmate's paper part only a hundred times worse because it has become neverending and most of the time, on short notice nagaganap. Parang lagi na lang may pumapalpak talaga. At hindi lamang ito dahil sa simpleng pagkakamali, matatanggap ko pa iyon eh. Pero it seems deeper than that. And I honestly don't know where I went wrong and what else I could do. I mean, hindi ko naman hiningi that they do it beyond what they can do as individuals, I just asked and expected them to function properly. Was that too much to ask from individuals who are supposed to be college students and professionals? Honestly. This job has been difficult and it has become far, far more challenging because people have consistently disappointed me. Minsan, pwede bang makisama naman ang mga tao at gawin lang ang nararapat nilang gawin? To be fair though, I've disappointed myself sometimes din naman.
If there's one thing I learned, I sometimes trust people too much. It's probably one of the reasons why I sometimes get lax with them only to find out that they've failed my expectations. All this time, tingin ko naman kaya nila eh and I trust that they'll deliver. Pero sorry na lang pala sa akin at dapat hindi ako nagtiwala ng ganoong lebel dahil disappointment nga lang ang naidulot nito sa akin.
So now, this whole thing has left me empty. Probably nga a lethal product of burnout compounded with failure, disappointments and making up for others' failures. Wala na akong makitang rason why this job is worth all this stress and all the sacrifices I'm making. Seriously. The non-financial rewards haven't been quite stark recently and walang recent event ang nakabawi o nakabawas man lang sa nararamdaman ko. This enrichment grades fiasco last weekend even highlighted the struggle more. Why the fuck am I making myself go through all of these when I don't feel it's worth it anymore? Heck, I cannot even write a simple greeting for Fr. Ben's birthday tomorrow and talk about my Pathways experience since at this point in time, wala talaga akong masasabi. And honestly, I don't know how I'll feel that it's worth it anymore? You'll probably say that I need to look beyond these and see the people especially the students. Probably pero sa ngayon, wala talaga eh. Kahit mga students ko, even the batch of students I often call my batch, hindi sapat. Maybe it's really time to leave and move along. Of course, leave ng maayos at hindi iiwang nakatiwangwang ang mga bagay-bagay. Nakakakaba dahil malamang it would reflect badly on my career since I might be branded a quitter if ever that happens, pero I'm fooling myself with the quote that Karen told me. "True winners know when to quit." And feeling ko sa puntong ito, panahon na to throw in the towel.
But I know my ego won't allow me to quit. Not yet, not this soon. Also, I feel responsible for the people who'll be heading the volunteer groups this summer and next school year. Ayaw kong maranasan nila ang nararanasan ko ngayon. Ang sumalo sa gawain ng iba dahil lamang hindi nila ginawa ito. Siguro sila ang maaaring pagsimulan ng pagbabalik ng motivation at feeling na worthwhile ang ginagawa ko. Sana.
Pero sa ngayon, ubos na talaga ang feeling ko. Wala na akong maibubuga. It has become dreary to wake up and go to work thinking about what new damage I shall try to control today. Hindi na talaga nakakatuwa ang mga nangyayari at wala na rin akong lakas para magdamage control sa lahat ng mangyayari. Sa ngayon, tiis na lang talaga ang ginagawa ko and we all know how that's not so healthy. It seems mahirap na talagang ibalik ang dating motivation na meron ako.
Tama na please. Hindi na kasi siya worth it eh :c
I think there's no better way to say how I feel than that. Usually, when I write my entries, I begin with the figurative but this one's an exception. This is just an outpour of emotions. Of how I currently feel especially with work. Mostly probably about working in Pathways as the damned EDU officer.
When I took on the job, I new it was really going to be beyond challenging. Isa nga iyon sa mga rason kung bakit ko piniling manatili sa organisasyong ito. More than the ego, it was the imminence of learning a lot more things on the job than being stuck in a most probably monotone corporate position. I held on to that belief and the love (cannot find a better term sorry) I had for the students and leaped into this rough waters of a job despite the little sacrifices I had to make.
Actually, they're not really that little. As Karen the Economics major would put it, the opportunity cost is quite high given that I have the management background. A corporate job that pays a little higher might not be that hard to find. There's also the subtle and sometimes not-so-subtle hints of my parents asking me to provide more for the family. I remember that December evening when they directly asked me to look for another job because of our family's financial outlook. I was on the verge of tears back then because I felt so helpless and vulnerable but I held them back. I remember the "WTH ARE YOU DOING?!" look relatives or family friends would have after I answer that I work with Pathways. Getting used to how they'd react, I often just answer the question briskly and hope that they won't have a follow-up question to it. In other words, such encounters have rendered me un-proud of what I do.
But I am proud of where I belong. I was actually. Working in an NGO has been more aligned with my values and beliefs. Despite the pressure of being in a more financially-rewarding environment, I stuck with Pathways because I believed that the rewards, despite mostly non-financial, make the work worthwhile. It has become my home for the past four years. A volunteer during the first three and a staff this past one. And it's really the friendships that have been formed with people, staff, volunteers and students alike, that make the work worthwhile. Despite the fact that I'm always drowning with work and virtually having no weekends and dayoffs, I lived through it because I felt it was all worthwhile.
But this past month has been different. Palagi na lang akong pagod at walang gana. I feel so unmotivated to work. Akala ko, simpleng tulog at pahinga lang ang katapat nito. Pero kahit magpahinga ako, wala pa rin. I feel so drained and empty. And given na hell month ang March para sa EDU, I have no idea how I'll escape this unscathed at best. Of course, motivation and feeling revitalized is another issue.
So now you're probably wondering why? Of course, I can't say na wala akong kasalanan sa feeling ko na ganito. The realization that I'm a high-maintenance person just dawned on me a week ago and that's partly to blame. I almost always need to be rewound like an energizer bunny to function properly. Minsan, maliit lang na failure, my world comes crashing down already. So malamang, nagcompound na rin iyong feeling na iyon. I feel like a failure with the past few failures I've encountered with the unit. Alam ko namang my events sucked big time, you didn't really need to sugarcoat it. But it's actually quite similar to the classic chicken-egg situation, I didn't know which came first, the feeling of being unmotivated or the events?
Sa usapan namin ni Ate Len last week, sinabi ko na isa sa natanto kong pinakarason ng damdaming ito at pinakanakakapagod na aspeto ng trabahong ito ang pagsalo sa mga taong nagkukulang o to put it bluntly na nga lang, sa mga taong pumalpak. Nakakapagod na lang kasi talaga na palagi na lang ako sumasalo sa kapalpakan ng ibang tao dahil lang sa katotohanang sakop ng programa ko ang hinahawakan nilang kapalpakan. That's so effing f*cked up. It's like working on your freeloader groupmate's paper part only a hundred times worse because it has become neverending and most of the time, on short notice nagaganap. Parang lagi na lang may pumapalpak talaga. At hindi lamang ito dahil sa simpleng pagkakamali, matatanggap ko pa iyon eh. Pero it seems deeper than that. And I honestly don't know where I went wrong and what else I could do. I mean, hindi ko naman hiningi that they do it beyond what they can do as individuals, I just asked and expected them to function properly. Was that too much to ask from individuals who are supposed to be college students and professionals? Honestly. This job has been difficult and it has become far, far more challenging because people have consistently disappointed me. Minsan, pwede bang makisama naman ang mga tao at gawin lang ang nararapat nilang gawin? To be fair though, I've disappointed myself sometimes din naman.
If there's one thing I learned, I sometimes trust people too much. It's probably one of the reasons why I sometimes get lax with them only to find out that they've failed my expectations. All this time, tingin ko naman kaya nila eh and I trust that they'll deliver. Pero sorry na lang pala sa akin at dapat hindi ako nagtiwala ng ganoong lebel dahil disappointment nga lang ang naidulot nito sa akin.
So now, this whole thing has left me empty. Probably nga a lethal product of burnout compounded with failure, disappointments and making up for others' failures. Wala na akong makitang rason why this job is worth all this stress and all the sacrifices I'm making. Seriously. The non-financial rewards haven't been quite stark recently and walang recent event ang nakabawi o nakabawas man lang sa nararamdaman ko. This enrichment grades fiasco last weekend even highlighted the struggle more. Why the fuck am I making myself go through all of these when I don't feel it's worth it anymore? Heck, I cannot even write a simple greeting for Fr. Ben's birthday tomorrow and talk about my Pathways experience since at this point in time, wala talaga akong masasabi. And honestly, I don't know how I'll feel that it's worth it anymore? You'll probably say that I need to look beyond these and see the people especially the students. Probably pero sa ngayon, wala talaga eh. Kahit mga students ko, even the batch of students I often call my batch, hindi sapat. Maybe it's really time to leave and move along. Of course, leave ng maayos at hindi iiwang nakatiwangwang ang mga bagay-bagay. Nakakakaba dahil malamang it would reflect badly on my career since I might be branded a quitter if ever that happens, pero I'm fooling myself with the quote that Karen told me. "True winners know when to quit." And feeling ko sa puntong ito, panahon na to throw in the towel.
But I know my ego won't allow me to quit. Not yet, not this soon. Also, I feel responsible for the people who'll be heading the volunteer groups this summer and next school year. Ayaw kong maranasan nila ang nararanasan ko ngayon. Ang sumalo sa gawain ng iba dahil lamang hindi nila ginawa ito. Siguro sila ang maaaring pagsimulan ng pagbabalik ng motivation at feeling na worthwhile ang ginagawa ko. Sana.
Pero sa ngayon, ubos na talaga ang feeling ko. Wala na akong maibubuga. It has become dreary to wake up and go to work thinking about what new damage I shall try to control today. Hindi na talaga nakakatuwa ang mga nangyayari at wala na rin akong lakas para magdamage control sa lahat ng mangyayari. Sa ngayon, tiis na lang talaga ang ginagawa ko and we all know how that's not so healthy. It seems mahirap na talagang ibalik ang dating motivation na meron ako.
Tama na please. Hindi na kasi siya worth it eh :c
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